How to Get What You Want

What if My Boss Doesn’t Advocate for Me?

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 97

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Ever wondered if your boss really has the power to help you climb the career ladder? In this episode, I'll equip you with the knowledge to identify decision-makers who genuinely support your professional aspirations.

Through real-life examples, we tackle how to recognize if the person you’re negotiating with can truly advocate for you. Avoid the trap of negotiating with yourself and ensure your career goals are backed by those with the authority to make things happen.

In this episode, we'll cover:
1. Identifying if your boss is an effective advocate
2. Determining if you're negotiating with the actual decision-maker
3. Strategies for when you're not dealing with the decision-maker

The Negotiator's Toolbox is now available!
Get $100 off when you use code TOOLBOX at www.negotiationlove.com

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Ready to continue your professional growth?
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Speaker 1:

Today's discussion is about a topic that comes up in questions after every session that I teach, so stay right here. It's the most asked question, so you're not going to want to miss it. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, susie Tomichuk. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect. All while you're growing into that future, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect. All while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hey friend, I'm so glad that you made the choice to be here today.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to talk about a concept that I get asked so often. Every time I speak to a group, somebody comes up afterwards Most of the time it's afterwards and says to me what do I do if my boss doesn't advocate for me? Like, if not your boss not having your back, and this is so important to consider. Some people don't realize that their boss is not somebody that feels comfortable with advocating for anybody, and so if you don't realize this, it can be detrimental to your career. Actually, my daughter brought this up to me the other day. She said that her peer had been being told by their boss that, nope, this promotion isn't coming through this time and kind of kept telling her after she was asked over and over again and he just kept saying, yes, it's coming. And then she found out that through kind of an innocent conversation with his boss that he had never even brought it to the higher ups about her getting a promotion. So she ended up leaving and she just assumed that her boss was advocating. She assumed that he was taking it forward, and you can't assume that. You have to understand if your boss is an advocate, and if they're not, how can you give them what they need to get the confidence to give them the script. What do you need to do to kind of change their ways to make it more comfortable for them? Or how do you advocate for yourself and not make them defensive as you kind of go around them? Or you take a different approach.

Speaker 1:

And this is so important in negotiation as well, because so often we assume that the other person on the other side of the table is the person that is the negotiator. But if they don't have the ability to say yes or to make commitments, you're negotiating with yourself, because that person is taking your points and then they may come back to you and say okay, you know, and they start negotiating because now they have a response to what you're doing. If you're not aware of that, you will negotiate with yourself and you will put yourself at a big disadvantage. So, understanding if your boss and the people around you are the ones that are going to have your best interests in mind or be able to advocate for you, whatever it is I'm not just saying for a title or more money being able to advocate for your team in terms of projects, being able to make roadblocks go away when there's barriers, when there's people around that are really pushing back on things. If your boss doesn't have the influence to make things happen, to help out, then you can't just move away from that person, but what are you going to do to make sure that you and your team have what you need? So this concept is really important, something to consider when you're in front of not just your boss, but when you're asking the person on the other side of the table for something or you believe you're negotiating with them. How do you know and what are you going to do if they're not the right person? So it's a really important concept. That isn't just a yes or no, it really depends. So I'm going to give you a couple scenarios. I'll give you a couple stories of when this has happened to clients, to myself, and get you to think about who in your world, no matter what you do for a living, needs to. They might not be the advocate that you need them to be, and how can you help them. You may be assuming that they're able to really take with the best frame, with the best leverage to get you what you want, but it may be going nowhere. So I'll share a couple of stories to bring around a little bit more context. So stay right there, we'll be right back.

Speaker 1:

It's me that I tell you how excited I am about this collection of courses I have available. It's all around the concept of adopting a negotiator mindset, and the only way to do that is to really understand what it's like to be a negotiator, so that you can practice it in your everyday. I'm excited about this project because it's gonna allow people to do this on their own time and go through the course at their own pace. If you wanna learn more, go to suzytomichukcom. I'd love for you to check it out, all right? Well, let's just dig right in. And, like so many of these topics, I get really energized by spreading the word around this and especially this one, because we so want to trust the person that's in front of us. We want to believe that they're the decision maker, that they can negotiate, and they're not always that person.

Speaker 1:

I remember one of a negotiation I was doing with another person. He was a very seasoned negotiator it was actually with Boeing, so there was a lot of like, very tight requirements with the negotiation, so he knew to ask these questions and he quickly realized that I was not the decision maker that I needed to take it to my senior team to get the answers. And he said to me in that moment he said you know, susie, I like you, but I might as well talk to that person and not you, because I am not getting anywhere and I'm actually losing my ability to have my position because of this weird dynamic with you in the middle. And that was really kind of a wake up call for me. It was a great learning that he just said that to me. It was super interesting and it also allowed me to go back to the senior team and say if you want me to close these deals, I have to have the ability to make some decisions. Give me some boundaries that I can use so that I can be the person that's negotiating in the room. If not, they're not seeing me as an asset.

Speaker 1:

So recently I had a friend, a good friend of mine, come to me. She's a VP in a media company and she wanted to get promoted. Her boss had been talking to her about it and it was just going nowhere. It had been like over a year that her and her boss were talking about it and what she realized is that her boss was not confident in taking her promotion forward. In fact, she found out that her boss hadn't done anything. In fact, she found out that her boss hadn't done anything. So she realized that she wasn't comfortable really doing the fight for her going forward. And, frankly, once we realized what was going on, she didn't really understand the steps to do it and she didn't have the confidence to do it because she didn't want to put herself out there.

Speaker 1:

So what my friend did? We kind of put together this master plan and she went to some of her peers. She didn't ask them how much money they got or the specifics of their negotiation, but she went to them the people that had the titles that she wanted and asked what process they followed, like how did the decision get made? Because she needed to understand if her boss just needed to go to the CEO or if her boss needed to get HR's buy-in first, and then they together went to the CEO and the budget was already allocated. There were all these things that were a part of the workflow that my friend needed to learn and learned through just asking people how they did it before her.

Speaker 1:

So what she did was she put together a collection of the things that her boss needed and then went back to her boss again and she framed it to help her understand that she wasn't trying to go around her. She said you know, I've been really thinking about this, this title and this promotion that I want, and I know you want me to get it too. And I thought you know I'm not sure if you are, or I know exactly the process and I had some conversations with some of my peers about how those decisions are made and so I wanted to share that with you and I want to actually help move this through and be your support around this and I don't mind doing it myself because I can work through these people, these relationships that I have, and we can make this work. And her boss she framed it very carefully so her boss didn't get defensive. She knew what was important to her boss, she knew how to say it without saying you're not being effective, and she was very careful how she did it. So she got her boss to be really bought into doing this and one of the things she did illustrate to her or highlight was that if she got promoted, that would level up her influence within the organization. So that was definitely a benefit to the boss and that she wouldn't have to do all this legwork. So together they worked through the plan of who was going to talk to whom and how they were going to put this forward, what the timing was going to be, how the budget is allocated, so that it was an easy yes. When it finally went to the CEO and she got a promotion and it worked, it was great. But she had to be thoughtful about not just continuing to go to her boss over and over again and understanding her boss didn't like to advocate and didn't hold a lot of influence in the organization.

Speaker 1:

Another piece that's really important to evaluate when you're moving something forward is what is the influence of the person that you're going to? So in real negotiations, like I said about that person who said that to me, I learned and through him being able to understand and ask myself is this the decision maker who's sitting in front of me? And that has helped me out in so many negotiations and it feels like not a fair question, but it totally is. And I remember one time I was negotiating with a guy that I kind of suspected that he wasn't the decision maker and so in our first meeting I said you know I want to talk through what is the approval process in your organization and how do these contracts get communicated internally so that people know and you get the right buy-in? And so he openly shared with me that it was really his boss that was the decision maker. And I asked him once we get to the big deal points, do you think it would benefit you to have your boss in the room so that we could make real-time decisions? If not, then I'm at a disadvantage and I need to find a different way. And so that allowed him to kind of save face. I gave him the opportunity to bring his boss in and then, in the essence, of time is really how I framed it. He was really open to it.

Speaker 1:

So, understanding who's in front of you, what is their relationship with advocating Because negotiating for themselves or their team? If they're not, naturally they don't have those skills you might think about. How can you leverage your negotiator mindset to help them move through the process to get you what you want? So, understanding is that person the right person? And how am I going to know if they're actually taking it forward? So I'm going to give you some tips when we come back. Such an important topic I want you to start thinking about. Who do you need to start considering who is sitting in front of you, whether it's your boss, whether it's even a peer people that you ask to do something for you, and are they taking the next step, and is there a way that you can help them move that forward, move that ball forward for you? So, when we come right back, we'll have three tips that you can start using, starting today.

Speaker 1:

Hey, suzy, here. I thought I'd pop in. You know, when I was a little girl, I always thought I wanted to be on the stage. I thought I might be holding a microphone and singing. But I'm now on the stage a lot and I love it because it's not about me and that experience. I love to move people, give them an impactful message that really makes them feel confident so that they change their actions. If you know somebody in your network internally that hires speakers, I would love a warm introduction. Just send them to suzytomachukcom speaker page. I would be so grateful. All right, so here we go, our first tip. So this tip is to starting today.

Speaker 1:

Ask yourself is this person who's sitting in front of me the person that's going to be able to give me the decision I want, and even if you're not going to ask right away for something, thinking about somebody that you work with on a regular basis, that you interact with on a regular basis. Are they the decision maker? And the way you can think about that or tease that out is, when you ask for more money, or if you ask for a promotion or you ask for something additional that is for you or your team to that person, are they the ones that in that moment they can say yes, and maybe you are able to go? Yes, if it's $1,000 or less, yes, they can definitely do that. Whether it's hey, I want to take my team out for a lunch to celebrate this project that we just successfully finished, maybe that's a decision you can make, maybe it's something you have to depending on that price point.

Speaker 1:

So, understanding where that person has authority that in that moment they can take on your behalf. So that's the first thing to always make that just a default, and especially when you're going into a situation where you don't know the person on the other side, into a situation where you don't know the person on the other side, and making yourself ask that question, so that in those first moments you can ask some pointed questions to get that information, to know that if this is not the last conversation around this, then knowing what is and how do you advocate, because that could change the way you decide about how much information you give them or not. So think about from starting today is this person the one that can make the decision for the outcome I want right now? So tip number two is to be really thoughtful about how you're going to position or how you're going to react to the information that they're not the person that can make that decision. So having a plan to go, all right, if they are not the one, what am I going to do? And maybe it's a fact finding, maybe it's asking a lot of questions, maybe it's being very clear about saying, hey, listen, I will feel more comfortable talking to somebody that can actually make this decision. How can we do that together?

Speaker 1:

And you want to take the point of view of the relationship with this person, because it's hard to admit that you're not the decision maker and it might have nothing to do with that person. It may be. The organization has very strict rules about who makes what decision and so that might feel if they have the leverage like they have the job or they're more senior than you it might be hard to admit that they don't have that decision-making authority. So carefully framing what you're going to do once you figure out that information, so that they don't feel threatened you don't want to go around them and then make them mad, especially if you have a long-term relationship with them and even if you don't know what the long-term relationship is you're interviewing into a new role. You have to be really careful because you can really break a lot of bridges very early on if you aren't careful about maneuvering the politics around that. So it becomes very personal when somebody isn't that decision maker. So making that frame in a way that serves their interests, in a way that serves their interests, it helps you. You can frame it a way that makes them understand the path and that you're gonna keep them in the know and being very careful that you understand that it's not gonna be an easy kind of pill for them to swallow. So you wanna frame it a way that they it can drive understanding and it can drive trust that you're going to move forward with them by your side.

Speaker 1:

All right, so the third tip is to really understand how decisions are made and maybe you can go through that person. So let's take two different scenarios. If you're in an organization and you want to move forward with something that's above and beyond in your role whether it is getting some professional development, training, getting a coach asking for more money, asking for resources, asking for another head on your team know, before you go to the person that's the decision maker team. Know, before you go to the person that's the decision maker, how those decisions are made and knowing what's important to the organization for them to say yes, so that you can do all your due diligence and get all of that collection of information together so that it makes it easy for that person to say, yes, you've done the work, you've gone through it. Don't just go and ask that person, even if you know they're the decision maker. Show that you took enough time. I often tell people, just even say I've been really thoughtful about this conversation and so I've done all the legwork so that it would be easy for you to say yes. So that's how you do it internally. Work so that it would be easy for you to say yes. So that's how you do it internally.

Speaker 1:

When you're negotiating for a new role or with a person that you don't know, it's fine to ask how is this all going to work? Is the organization able to make a decision after we have one conversation and what will be the next steps? Take some time, as you're building that relationship with the other person, to talk about what are the things on my side? What are the things on your side that you'll have to decide, because you may not want to make a decision right in the moment either. You want to take time to think about. You know an offer that they give you. They might have the same.

Speaker 1:

So asking on behalf of understanding their process is your number one priority. So, understand the landscape so that you know and have enough knowledge. So the three tips are one, know if the person on the other side of you is the decision maker and what you're going to do. Two, frame it for them so that you don't make them defensive, but that they understand that you're a partner in this and you're going to make them look good. And then the third is understand the landscape. Understand how decisions are made in this organization. At least, collect as much as you can so that you make the case for them to make it easy for a yes to come for you. All right, when we come back, I'll talk a little bit more about what you can do to really inspire yourself, to be optically aware of who is an advocate and what you can do as you continue forward. I'll be right back, I'll be right back.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I got in. Hey everybody, I'm James. I'm Susie's co-host on her other podcast, Quick Take. If you're enjoying this podcast, you're going to love our podcast Quick Take even better, Mostly because, well, I'm there, which is infinitely more entertaining. But hey, you'll love it if you join us. Please subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1:

I know this gave you a lot of people to consider and I bet you're asking yourself, ooh, I wonder why that never went anywhere. I asked for that and I never heard anything back. And this is where I really want to give you some context around. Don't just wait for things to happen. You need to be proactive about asking for things and being okay with hearing no, because if you don't raise your hand, if you're not asking, they're not assuming that you want some of these opportunities. So, looking for who, optically, when you look around what you do in your organization or where you want to grow, who are those people that advocate for others, align with them. How can you give yourself a mentor of somebody that does open doors for people, even if you don't have a specific ask for them? Understanding how things are done are building relationships within the organization and being honest with maybe your boss doesn't advocate for his team, her team, maybe they don't feel that comfortable doing it because they may not have influence. So, understanding who holds influence so that they do feel more comfortable with moving forward. Things that barriers when there's lack of budget to push through some resources that you need to make your project successful All these things are really important things, to be an advocate for you or your team and knowing if that person in front of you is the one that can push that barrier aside, can say yes to the budget, can advocate for something that your team is struggling with, even some political landscape that you're trying to maneuver. So have some awareness, really open up and start asking is this person an advocate for me? Is this a person advocate for others? And be aware of the person who's right across from you and if they are the person that can make a decision, that you need them to Such an important topic and something that we wait until that moment when we want to ask for something. And that's why asking on a regular basis, maybe quarterly what do I want to like? How am I going to increase my experience? How am I going to increase my value in the organization? What am I going to increase my experience? How am I going to increase my value in the organization? What am I going to ask for that makes people around you recognize that you are an advocate and you will ask. And then in that meeting, before the meeting, they'll think well, we better consider this, because she or he is going to ask for this. So we better do that when you're not asking. They don't think about that in the meeting, before the meeting. And so, having the optics around, who are those people on the other side that make things happen in the organization? Which ones hold influence so things can go through? It's an important exercise.

Speaker 1:

Maybe chart down all the people that are important to you today, important to you in the next few months and for your team as well, and start asking yourself if they are a decision maker that can make the decisions that you need them to. And it could be that, and don't forget it is hard for people to admit that they can't make decisions, especially if they're at an executive level. So be careful when you're discovering this and how you approach it. You want them to save face, but how can you help them advocate? How can you do it in a way that will give them the evidence, the leverage that they need so that they can adopt a negotiator mindset? How can you help them, help you?

Speaker 1:

I'd love to hear from you If you have any thoughts about what you'd like to hear in the future on this podcast or your story. I am so inspired by you, so reach out to me. You can reach me on negotiationlovecom. So glad you made the choice to be here today and invest in you. And remember negotiation is not just a skill, it's a mindset. Until next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest. For listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage, I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you.

Speaker 1:

You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset, so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

Host