Leaders with Leverage: Adopting a Negotiator Mindset

Get excited about your blind spots!

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 92

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Ever wondered why those around you seem to catch things about your behavior that you never notice? In this episode, we unlock the mysteries of blind spots in leadership and negotiation. Inspired by the book "Thanks for the Feedback," I take you through my journey of spotting those hidden facets of ourselves that only others can see and how they've influenced my professional interactions.

Learn how to proactively seek insights, manage your emotional reactions, and decode the indirect feedback from your environment. These strategies are designed to enhance your understanding of your blind spots, leading to stronger personal and professional connections.

In this episode, we'll cover:
1. What blind spots are and how these can affect self-awareness and behavior.
2. Embracing feedback to improve and gain a better understanding of oneself.
3. Managing emotional responses and observing environmental cues to better understand how others view us.

The Negotiator's Toolbox is now available!
Get $100 off when you use code TOOLBOX at www.negotiationlove.com

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Here are a few resources for you:


Speaker 1:

Today we're talking about something that is literally unavailable to you, but it's an essential part of being a leader. Stay tuned, I'll tell you more. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hey, hey, friends, I'm so happy that you made the choice to be here, especially on a day. I'm going to talk about a topic that just blew me away.

Speaker 1:

A couple of years ago, I read a book. It's called I've read a book. I read a book. I'm one of many. It's called Thanks for the Feedback. It's a great book. They have not paid me a thing. If they would have paid me, I would have been a millionaire by now the amount of time that I talk about that book.

Speaker 1:

But I was reading the book. It's Harvard-based, it's all about getting feedback, and the one thing that really stuck with me was they were talking about the idea of blind spots and how blind spots are literally just that they're blind to us, unavailable to us. I'd been a leader for years and had always struggled with feedback. Back when I had gone through and was an executive, it was more you be a boss than a coach and you just tell people what you want them to do, and so feedback was done on an annual basis, and so it was this thing that you kind of dreaded, because you weren't sure what was going to come up, because so often when people give feedback on an annual basis, they really have to pull from their memory banks to figure out what to tell that person about what they need to improve, and they always had to have something to improve. So you never really knew what was going to be brought up to you. It's like it's crazy to think of now, with these eyes of 2024, and what we know now about the annual review process and giving feedback and how important it is for your progression.

Speaker 1:

So, listening to this book, I was on a run one day and I was so blown away by the concept of blind spots are things that we cannot experience, and it's like this. This is why I tell people this is my favorite analogy it's like the back of your head. You can't see it. You can see it in a mirror, you can see it in pictures, you can feel it, you know it's there, but you will never be able to see it for yourself in real life. It's almost like somebody said to me the other day be able to see it for yourself in real life. It's almost like somebody said to me the other day it's like your face, susie. You can't really see it from any perspective except that from a mirror. So when you think about blind spots like that for me, it says this is my adventure to understand what it's like to experience me outside of me, even if I had a thousand people in an audience and I asked them to tell me exactly what it was like to sit in the chair and listen to a keynote. That I did. I wouldn't still be able to be in that auditorium watching it. Yes, would I get a great 360 view of myself or that's probably a bad analogy, but a good view of myself. Yes, I would understand. I'd have a real understanding of what it felt like just hearing what they had to say, but I could never experience it for myself. It was so liberating to me because it's a journey to understand that and it's a piece of data that we don't have access to and we have to hear it through others to see what it's like to experience us. So blind spots are something that I want people to be really open to understanding them, looking for ways to see yourself from a lot of different angles, from a lot of different people, even looking at evidence around you to know what it's like to live outside of you. So that's what we're going to talk about today. I'm going to tell you a couple stories about how my blind spots did get in my way in a negotiation and a professional example. So stay tuned. I want you to walk away today really looking at the idea of feedback and getting this data about what it's like to live outside of you through others, so that you can change your relationship with feedback. For me, that's still a journey, but it's important because I need to understand what it's like to be on your side viewing me. So stay tuned, we'll be right back after this. Thanks.

Speaker 1:

It's me that I tell you how excited I am about this collection of courses I have available. It's all around the concept of adopting a negotiator mindset, and the only way to do that is to really understand what it's like to be a negotiator, so that you can practice it in your everyday. I'm excited about this project because it's going to allow people to do this on their own time and go through the course at their own pace. If you want to learn more, go to SuzyTomichukcom. I'd love for you to check it out, all right, so let's dig into this.

Speaker 1:

The first example is actually worked in my favor. I remember being in a negotiation and it had gone on for months and months. It was a long-term deal. It had a lot of components to it. We had to bring in different software engineers, technical engineers, lawyers. It just had all these phases of a negotiation and I was the one that was kind of the facilitator of all of the teams on my side and kind of the point person. I was the point person to make sure that we were assuming the right assumptions about the deal and, looking at all the pieces of leverage, make sure that we're preparing like we should and getting people aligned to what they needed to know before they went into their segment of the negotiation. And it was so difficult to align everything.

Speaker 1:

I was full of nerves because when you get and this is no slight on engineers but when you're a business person and you bring in the technical people, you want them to tell enough of the story. But sometimes they will go on and on and really want to tell more, not from a bad perspective, but just to give more insight. And sometimes as a business person, you're like just tell them what we need to know to keep the deal moving forward. So my head was all around what was happening in that meeting. Did we accomplish those things really well? And I was always thinking at the time about kind of the negative part, like are we articulating our value? Are we moving forward? And it felt like a very convoluted and I was always so nervous that I felt like I was coming across unsettled, not confident, coming across unsettled, not confident. And so we got the deal we ended up getting through. It was, to be honest, it was a deal they really needed and we needed as well. So it was a really it was already kind of agreed upon but we needed to formalize all the details. So it was still a negotiation and very important, but I looked at it as not as a deal or no deal kind of situation.

Speaker 1:

So when I got done, I remember just thinking, gosh, they must have thought I was way over my experience or out in front of my my ski tips. That their perception of me must've been like why did they send her? She just didn't have it all together. She was flighty, like all these things. That, that, um, that I told myself about the, the, the reconciliation of my performance. We'll just say it was my performance and it was so interesting.

Speaker 1:

It kind of came back to me feathered through conversations and feedback that my boss had given me. There was also her boss's boss who had heard from the other side some things, and what it came back was that I was so confident, I was just always prepared, that I was always a step ahead and it was just so interesting to me that the experience outside of me was so different than what I felt inside. And that's one of the things about blind blind spots is blind spots are they mess with our perception of ourselves? Because we don't live outside of ourselves, so we only experience the world through the reactions that we're getting. And I didn't get that feedback along the way. So it was so interesting to me to hear what it felt like to be them and get the good feedback that I did well and it was great because that added to my confidence and made me realize that or recognize that some of the things that I were doing were really good. So that was a good one. And I like looking back on that and say sometimes the feedback is we look at blind spots or feedback that people give us and we do focus on the negative and we need to look at feedback as data and not get too excited about the great feedback and not get too bummed out about the negative feedback and kind of stay neutral on it and think about it in that way. That's data about us that we need to shift. So for that, for me, it added to my sense of okay, I kind of know what I'm doing. I can move forward with more confidence that what I did in those moments really worked. How can I replicate that in the future?

Speaker 1:

So my other example was kind of funny. This happened to me only a few years ago. I was working for a consulting firm and I was having a professional conversation about a possible new scope of business with a big client and we were just one-on-one in his office and he was explaining to me what are the needs of the business. And, as an extrovert, I believe that my non-verbals and the way that I communicate with people is positive, because that's my lens on life. So as he was talking, he was going through a lot of detail and I was sitting there and I was nodding my head, smiling, saying a lot of nonverbal connection points like uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

And I was doing that and finally he started getting. He would go really fast and then he would get a little distracted and he finally stopped. He looked at me and he literally slammed his hands down on the desk, not literally, but enough that he was making a note of let's stop right here, you're distracting. And he said what is all of this Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah, are you agreeing with me? What is that? And I was like wow, all of my life I thought that nonverbals, these things that I'm doing to show connection was so distracting to him. He was like stop, he would have done much better if I would have just sat there with my hands folded and I would just looked at him right in the eye and just subtly, just listen to him.

Speaker 1:

Gosh, I learned so much about that myself that day and and the realization that there must've been many people that felt that way about me in my past but didn't have the guts to tell me or it didn't feel like it was appropriate for them to tell me. I don't blame them, but I thought that was so great that he gave me that feedback and it made me realize that and now I talk to people about it like I do need nonverbals. So if you're a nonverbal person and you're talking to me and you really want me to feel your connection, use nonverbals and vice versa. I've learned to change. That's that whole mirroring thing I've talked about before, but that was a blind spot to me. That was only uncovered because of his comment to me after years. So funny. So seeing yourself from others' eyes can only happen when we're open to feedback. When we get back, I'm going to talk about three tips that you can use right now to be more open to feedback so that you can understand your blind spots, so you can see yourself. I mean, thanks for the Feedback is a great book.

Speaker 1:

There's so much depth to it. This is just a sliver. It's a great book. Definitely dive into it. This topic is something that I teach on for a day. So I'm going to give you three tips, but these are only tips that I want you to start thinking about and using. But there's so much more to the great depth of feedback. So I'll go through those three tips when we come back. So stay right there.

Speaker 1:

Hey, suzy, here I thought I'd pop in. You know, when I was a little girl, I always thought I wanted to be on the stage. I thought I might be holding a microphone and singing. But I'm now on the stage a lot and I love it because it's not about me and that experience. I love to move people, give them an impactful message that really makes them feel confident so that they change their actions. If you know somebody in your network internally that hires speakers. I would love a warm introduction. Just send them to suzytomichukcom speaker page. I would be so grateful. All right, well, welcome back.

Speaker 1:

I was laughing at myself because I know I have really high energy right now as I was getting ready to go into this segment and I thought, you know, feedback for me was always really hard and I didn't like it. I, in fact, one of my daughters who's 20, about to be 28 tomorrow she would have to kind of talk me off the ledge when I'd get feedback from a client and she would say listen, mom, they're trying to make you better. So I've come a long way. I'm not the master of this and I continue to have to ask for her counsel sometimes from time to time. But here's the first tip I want to give you is get a lot of diverse feedback, and the best way to get feedback is to ask for it in a preemptive way.

Speaker 1:

And what I mean is if you're going to a meeting or you're interacting with somebody and you get to the end of that interaction and you say to them hey, how did I do? They're more likely to give you accolades you did really good, that was great. And especially if you wait till some time has passed, they're not going to give you very valuable feedback. But if you go into a situation and say, hey, I'm trying to work on my filler words or I'm trying to make sure that my communication is clear, can you watch for that and give me feedback on if I'm making my point? Well, it helps them because then they're looking for it and they can give you great feedback. It helps them because then they're looking for it and they can give you great feedback and ask for it not just from, like your boss, from your peers, your colleagues that you trust. Ask for it from the people who work for you and what a great opportunity to ask leaders that are outside of your organization. It helps them understand that you're really open to growth and getting better. It shines you in a good light and you'll get valuable feedback because they see you in a different way, even if they don't see you on a regular basis. What great data.

Speaker 1:

So tip one is about diverse feedback and asking for it in a proactive way. All right. So tip number two is a tough one because, as the book talks about, you have different filters or lenses on how you take feedback, and one of those is if there's a complicated relationship with the other person getting that feedback from them. You may give it some kind of label like who are they to really understand that perspective? Or they've never had this experience? How are they giving me feedback? So be careful, when you're getting feedback, especially unsolicited, to be open enough to be able to just say thank you, especially if you feel triggered.

Speaker 1:

If it is a high stakes situation for you where it's a little bit comprehensive or it's complicated and that feedback feels like it gets you, like your body, there's something that happens and you feel your adrenaline starting. Just say thank you. You can say to them hey, I'm going to think about this, I'd love to come back and ask you some questions. That gives you the opportunity to circle back and after you have some time to get some objectivity and really hear what they said, then you can go back and ask questions to really understand. Remember, these are your blind spots. There's things that you don't see. Just because you don't believe it's true doesn't mean it's not accurate from their perspective. So you're understanding that's. The thing that's so liberating to me about blind spots is that you're seeing it from their view. You don't have to totally agree with it, but you need to understand it so you can see it from their perspective. So the second tip is I'm going to drill it down to know when you're triggered and say thank you and then just take it in. I will add a bonus to that the best thing to do when you feel triggered is grab a pen right away, write down exactly what they said, take a breath and come back and read it, because we get revisionist history and we may change the words and, yeah, we bring on a whole nother story. So that's the second tip when you feel triggered, just say thank you.

Speaker 1:

And the third tip is pay attention to the things that happen around you. Feedback comes from people, but it also comes out of their actions, and what I mean by that is what meetings are you not getting invited to? What information did you not know? Instead of getting mad about it, kind of think about why Are you building the right relationships with people? Do they trust you? Do people come to you and tell you things and you know that they're telling you and they know that you won't take it beyond the evidence that you are being a good steward of others in your professional environments, whatever those look like. See what clues you can get from just being an observer of the people around you. It's interesting feedback and if you start to see some trends or you have things that you're like, ooh, I wonder what that really means, find a way to go to that person and drill into it more. Take the next step.

Speaker 1:

But the third tip is really to be an observer of what it feels like to be around you. You can't be in those shoes, right, because it is a blind spot, but you can start to notice how people interact with you, even in a meeting. Do they greet you like they do everybody else? Do they engage in conversation? Whatever that is for you, just take note of that, understand the influence that you have, and that's a good way to look at the feedback that is more just around you. So the three tips are get diverse and proactive feedback. When you feel triggered, just say thanks, and you could circle back.

Speaker 1:

And then the third is be observers of the environment that you're working in, that you live in, and see what evidence you can see that can give you a clue into what it's like to live outside of you, in those blind spot areas. Oh, I have learned, not that I love feedback all the time. You know what you need to send it to me now. Whatever you think about this podcast or anything about it, I need the feedback, and then I'll talk about how I process that, so I'm going to be open to it too. All right, I'm going to do a stop, start and continue when we come back, and then we'll tie it up from there. So stay right there. Tied up from there, so stay right there.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I got in. Hey everybody, I'm James. I'm Susie's co-host on her other podcast, quick Take. If you're enjoying this podcast, you're going to love our podcast Quick Take even better, mostly because, well, I'm there, which is infinitely more entertaining. But hey, you'll love it if you join us.

Speaker 1:

Please subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts. All right, so this is where the rubber hits the road, the tires hit the tracks, whatever that is it's as an executive coach. It's not about just listening and experiencing things from the outside. It's about jumping in. So I want you to think about how are you going to apply the feedback tips that I gave you, or just feedback in general. How are you going to change your relationship with your blind spots so that you can discover what it feels like to live outside of you, to understand that back of your head? I hope I never see the back of my head. I don't like what it looks like in mirrors, but you know that's beside the point. All right, so what am I going to stop doing? So I really had to think about. This was always a tricky one for me, and I'm going to stop getting defensive. I do think that I have a hard time not just jumping in, so I'm going to stop. When I hear feedback coming my way, I am going to stop throwing it right back. So just take it in. Maybe that's a pause. What am I going to start doing? You know, when I hear feedback from people, I'm going to really try to think about what my daughter says that, mom, they're just trying to make you better. So I want to continue to be a really open person so that people feel really comfortable giving me feedback, because I don't know if I am. So I'm going to start for myself, because I think I have to change my own mindset being really open to feedback and, when I'm not, really check myself and so changing my mindset around it, being like, oh, where can I get more feedback? So I get a real thirst for it. And the third thing I'm going to continue to do is really talking about this concept of getting feedback and blind spots, because that's going to help my mindset. I'm going to continue to really be like a cheerleader for this for people, because I need to be for myself, and so continuing to do that will actually help me and others around me. Oh, I'm such a nerd who knew that I would be so excited about feedback and blind spots that one day I'll never forget when I read that passage in the book and it was so enlightening to me. Because why should I be fearful? They're not accessible to me, so I need to figure out how to understand them.

Speaker 1:

Feedback is a gift. It truly is, because the other thing is it's difficult to give feedback sometimes. So don't forget that that person in front of you may be really challenged with telling you. They may have spent a lot of time thinking about how to tell you or the right time. Feedback is complicated, not just the receiving, that's the one we always think about but think about how it is to give it to people. Sometimes that's difficult. So be a very good receiver of it and start to think about I need it more.

Speaker 1:

Can you get feedback every day? Ah, such a good topic. I'd love to hear from you. I am open to feedback. So if you want to tell me what's working here and what's not, I'm completely open to it and you'll see that I'll put the feedback in place. So I'd love to hear from you. You can reach out to me by going to negotiationlovecom. That's where I have kind of all the links of what I'm doing and how to connect with me, how to join the Monday Minute. I'd love to see you there. I'm so glad that you make the commitment to being here. It's so exciting to me and it makes me really inspired to showing up because you show up If you want to share this with somebody that you think that needs to hear this, please do.

Speaker 1:

I love to really expand. My mission is to create impact, and so the more people that I can touch, the greater impact that I can have. And don't forget negotiation is more than a skill, it truly is a mindset. Until next time. Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me.

Speaker 1:

If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read, where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes, and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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