How to Get What You Want

Is a scarcity mindset hurting your confidence?

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 88

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Ever found yourself locked in a negotiation, palms sweating, as the fear of walking away empty-handed looms over you? Today, I delve into the transformative power of mindset in both our professional and personal haggles. I'll uncover the crippling effects of the scarcity mindset—a knee-jerk belief in a lack of options that narrows our vision and hampers our success, as opposed to the abundance mindset, shedding light on research-backed benefits of positive, confident approaches.

Join me as we navigate the intricacies of a negotiator's mind through true tales and professional conquests. I'll recount anecdotes to vividly illustrate how scarcity thinking can stealthily dictate our choices. But I don't stop at mere stories; I'm here to arm you with strategies like developing a robust BATNA to broaden your horizons and bolster your negotiation prowess.

In this episode, we'll cover:
1. Understanding the scarcity mindset and its impact on confidence.
2. The significance of adopting an abundance mindset in negotiations.
3. Practical tips for overcoming the scarcity mindset.

The Negotiator's Toolbox is now available!
Get $100 off when you use code TOOLBOX at www.negotiationlove.com

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Speaker 1:

Do you want to know what gets in our way? It's a mindset that we aren't even aware of and it's controlling us. Stay tuned to find out more. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomlinson. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hi and welcome.

Speaker 1:

I'm Susie, and I am glad that you made the choice to be here today, because making space for yourself is essential as a leader, as a human, just to really think about what's going on in your mind, in your life. We're so busy in our everyday, no matter what role we play, we all play so many different. We have so many hats and so much responsibility. All play so many different. We have so many hats and so much responsibility. And that really leads me well into the topic I want to talk about today, and it's scarcity mindset, and it's really one of those topics that is it's hard to think about because it is something that we don't want to think about. It's because scarcity mindset, when you look at the definition of it, is the fear of what you don't have. It's really the focus on that idea that if I don't get this, then it's going to be really bad because I don't have any other options.

Speaker 1:

When I think about some research around negotiation and just a positive versus a negative mindset, so an abundance versus a scarcity mindset, there's been a lot of research that shows when they have given some negotiation scenarios to different groups and tested it and said to one group look, before you go in, look at all the upside of the deal, all the benefits of getting a deal with this other side and then the other group, before they walk in, would have them focus on all the risks if they don't get it. And this research is super interesting because it showed that the group that looked at the upside and looked at the positive and had this mindset before they went in not only got to the goal they wanted them to get to that, because that mindset, that positive mindset, looking at what's positive it actually opens up creativity. It doesn't make you feel like, oh my gosh, I have to have a deal. So it creates confidence and it allowed them to really kind of shoot for the moon as it relates to that negotiation. And the other group, the one that they had them look at all of the negative things, all of the bad things that would happen if they didn't get a deal. They would sometimes hit really close to the 80 million because they had a finite goal that they needed to get to, but often it was really a struggle to get there and those people's experience was not as good as the other side. So this mindset is real, it's been proven and we've talked about BATNA, which is the best alternative to a negotiating agreement, and that's such an important factor of the confidence and that is what are your other options.

Speaker 1:

A scarcity mindset is driven from not having a lot of different things that you can go to in case the discussion doesn't work out. So this topic is really dear to my heart because it has has shown its ugly head to me a few times in my experience as a professional, as a negotiator, and I'm going to give you those examples to get you thinking about how you may naturally go into a scarcity mindset and not even be thinking about it. So stay with me. I'm going to give you a little bit more color around some stories that came to mind for me and how I really discovered what I need to shift to make sure that I'm not falling victim to a scarcity mindset and I'm really able to benefit from really opening that up and looking at it from an abundance mindset. So stay right where you are, I'll be right back looking at it from an abundance mindset. So stay right where you are, I'll be right back.

Speaker 1:

It's me that I'd tell you how excited I am about this collection of courses I have available. It's all around the concept of adopting a negotiator mindset, and the only way to do that is to really understand what it's like to be a negotiator, so that you can practice it in your everyday. I'm excited about this project because it's going to allow people to do this on their own time and go through the course at their own pace. If you want to learn more, go to suzytomichukcom. I'd love for you to check it out. All right, I want to talk about some things and it's kind of embarrassing to think about some things. And it's kind of embarrassing to think about, but this is a really simple story just in every day.

Speaker 1:

That happened to me in the spring last year. So my daughters two of my daughters and I were hiking. I have three daughters all in their twenties. We were hiking one Saturday morning and we came down and we have a lot of farmer's markets in our area, as I'm sure everyone does, and there was, by this gas station, one of those semi trucks that you see at farmer's markets where they have somebody that comes from a local farm, and there was one of these at this gas station, across from where the trailhead was. So we walked over and we're like, oh my gosh, it'd be so great to get some fresh fruit after we got done with our hike and I was saying I really hope they take credit cards, because we don't have any cash with us. So we walked up and so in my mind I had this kind of this track of what I believed about the situation I was walking into, of this track of what I believed about the situation I was walking into. So I believed because it looked like one of those farmer's markets that these, it was like four guys, they all had just come in from picking this fresh produce and they all work every day on this farm and so I was super excited. So we walk up.

Speaker 1:

The first thing I ask is do you take credit cards? And I said yes, I'm like, okay, great, Now let's figure out what we're going to buy. And there was these little baskets of fruit with blueberries and strawberries and just as a collection. And I remember looking at them going. I don't really like all those fruits, but I again saw these baskets and thought that's what they're selling, that specific basket. I never thought about asking for something different. So I pointed to one. I remember thinking in my head it doesn't look that great, that fresh, but it must be good. So he put it in a bag and I just handed him my credit card and, as I did, he goes okay, that's $15. And I just I didn't really click at that moment what I was buying for $15.

Speaker 1:

So we ended up walking away. Well, as I'm walking away, I start thinking, wow, this is so funny, $15. And this doesn't even feel like a pound of fruit. And I started thinking about my grocery store prices and all that. So I look into the bag and notice that the fruit is kind of bruised and doesn't look great. And then I pull out a piece of fruit and I think it was an apple or a pear or something, and on it was one of those stickers from the grocery store, from the grocery store.

Speaker 1:

And I was just so flabbergasted by the experience, got in the car and left because I felt this bit of responsibility that I was victim to this mindset that I believed. Nobody told me. They didn't tell me they came from a farm. They didn't tell me that this fruit was something they picked that morning. They didn't tell me I had to take the basket or I couldn't take things from around or select what I wanted. They didn't tell me that there was no negotiation for the $15. There were just a lot of things.

Speaker 1:

And especially as somebody that talks about negotiation and these situations, I realized what a set mindset I was in. There were things that I believed about the situation that didn't allow me in that moment to question anything. That's why I think it's so important to focus on where you might be clicking into this without even thinking about it. These assumptions that we make give us also a scarcity mindset, because it's the belief system that we have moving into it. And if I would have thought about the alternatives, we could have easily gotten to our car and drove five minutes to a grocery store, saved money, picked exactly what we wanted and, of course, used a credit card. But in that moment I didn't think about options and this was such a great experience. Plus, I'm with my daughters and the whole thing. So you get it. I just hook, line and sinker, totally fell for everything about the situation. So fixed mindset can happen to us in everyday situations, and that's why I think it is so important to think like a negotiator. Because if I would have said, okay, if they don't take credit cards, what are some of the other things that I'm assuming about this before I walk up, so that I would have kind of zoomed out and said, oh, I would have been able to even say you know what? This doesn't look that good to me, I'm going to pass. They weren't forcing me, so that was one of the things that happened to me recently.

Speaker 1:

But I also remember, in a sophisticated well sophisticated, a formal I'll just say negotiation, when we had to have the deal. I remember we had a product that wasn't selling that well and we needed one client to make our numbers for that quarter, and so it was so important because we hadn't done that well, it had been a low quarter, my team hadn't been producing and this was the only client that was interested in this product, and so I went into the negotiation with this you have to say yes, and I was so focused on that that I missed the opportunity to get them to say yes if I was able to give them some other value. Because I was so fixed on what I needed them to say yes about and because my mindset and my because I had this, I have to get this done I didn't have any confidence to think about what other things could I provide value around for them? A scarcity mindset makes you focus on the goal itself for you and in a negotiation, in a difficult conversation, in any situation, the action of understanding what's important to the other side, the interests of the other side, helps them feel good about the deal. It's really important and a scarcity mindset keeps us in our seat. So I didn't get the deal and they went to somebody else who had exactly what we had, exactly what we had. But I think that that organization was better at being focused on them and not what I needed, what we needed to get. So scarcity mindset can get in our way and even in a formal negotiation, thinking about what our options are, so that our emotions are not tied to the yes, our emotions are a little more objective to be able to take the time to observe what's important to the other side, consider what are the other factors at play and what you need to do to move forward.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to give you some tips on how to move into a situation, especially when you may or may not be aware of your scarcity mindset, or within a negotiation or a discussion, to be able to identify that you are triggered by a scarcity mindset, so that you can make that adjustment in real time if you need to. So stay with me. You want to hear these tips. We'll be right back. Hey, suzy, here I thought I'd pop in. You know, when I was a little girl, I always thought I wanted to be on the stage. I thought I might be holding a microphone and singing. But I'm now on the stage a lot and I love it because it's not about me and that experience. I love to move people, give them an impactful message that really makes them feel confident so that they change their actions. If you know somebody in your network internally that hires speakers, I would love a warm introduction. Just send them to suzytomachukcom speaker page. I would be so grateful. Hey, welcome back.

Speaker 1:

So the first tip I want to talk about is just getting in your own head and taking the time to consider all the different situations that you're moving into and if it's something unexpected, like seeing that farmer's market, like for me making yourself stop and consider the situation you're moving into so that you don't make assumptions that are not real. And this also applies to meetings that you're going into for that week, for the day. So making the time to look forward to your day of meetings, your day of conversations, to consider what are your assumptions about that, and a part of that is what value are you bringing to that situation? We don't understand our value as much as everybody does around us, and so we often take less of a stance or a strong approach because we allow ourselves to not understand our value in the situation. So looking at that your value is one way to as you're moving into any situation, it increases your confidence to know how maybe the other person sees you, how they understand your value in that situation and when you do, when you understand your value, if I would have thought about with that, with the fruit stand, my value was I was a customer of theirs, so I had power and leverage in that. What is your value to the situation? That can shift your ability to face a scarcity mindset and planning for that is my first tip.

Speaker 1:

Tip two goes well with that first one and it's taking the time to consider what your alternatives are. And so when we prepare for things, being able to even think about the grocery store in my example was an alternative to that place. What are the things that you could consider, even if you don't want to take them? When you have these alternatives, it does bring down the emotions, even the excitement. We were excited about that farmer's market and getting fruit together and enjoying that together. We almost had this view of what our future state would be like.

Speaker 1:

But had we thought about the alternatives and even thought about the goal that we had, what did we want to experience out of that? Even if we had taken 30 seconds to consider that together we were all focused and fixated on? Would they take credit cards? Had we taken a moment to go, okay, what do we want to do here? We want to enjoy some fruit together. So if this doesn't work out and they take credit cards, but it doesn moment to go, okay, what do we want to do here? We want to enjoy some fruit together. So if this doesn't work out and they take credit cards, but it doesn't look good, let's just move on to going to a plan B. So taking look how long that took.

Speaker 1:

That took 15 seconds to evaluate what other alternatives we have in a situation when you look into the meetings that are coming up, even if you could identify okay, I'm moving into this conversation with a peer of mine and we're talking about who's going to lead the project what if that person says, no, I want to do it. What other alternatives do they have? Or do I have, so that in that moment, if you're not getting what you need you're able to shift into. Well, here's another alternative. How about this? So, always prepare and consider what alternatives are available to you so that, in the moment or before, you can really get out of that scarcity mindset and increase your confidence. Tip number three if you followed me at all and you know my PACE framework, you won't be surprised. Pace is Prepare, aware, close and Evaluate, and this one is E for evaluate.

Speaker 1:

It's really important for us as leaders, as professionals, as humans, as whatever we do, to take time to reflect back on what went well, what we've learned and how we show up in different situations and scenarios. Sometimes we are so automatic when we go into the strengths or the things that we do that sometimes we don't notice when things go well or when we even click into that scarcity mindset and we didn't even realize it. It took me, you know, I realized what happened, not exactly in those moments, right after I walked away from that food stand, because I didn't want to face myself in that moment, because I was kind of ashamed of myself for falling for it, but after a few hours I was able to zoom out and look back and really evaluate all of the factors that happened to me in that situation and it allowed me to have more context into future situations. So when I get into a retail situation like that, now that experience has enabled me to feel stronger about kind of my rights and my value as a consumer. It allowed me to see myself and where I failed, fine I failed. How am I going to change that in the future and that way I don't become victim to that scarcity.

Speaker 1:

I don't lower my value. I consider my value. I'm thoughtful when I move into something and I evaluate it at the end to make sure that all along the way, good or bad, I'm taking some value from it to benefit my future self. So the tips that I want to leave you with is to prepare, to consider your alternatives and how you're going to move into it and then evaluate what went well for you, look back and make sure that you do that so that you can become more just, automatic with adopting a negotiator mindset. All right, I'm going to make you or make you. I'm going to challenge you to stop, start and continue as we move forward.

Speaker 2:

So stay right here her other podcast, Quick Take. If you're enjoying this podcast, you're going to love our podcast Quick Take even better, Mostly because, well, I'm there, which is infinitely more entertaining. But hey, you'll love it if you join us.

Speaker 1:

Please subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts All right, here we go Stop, start and continue. You know, as an executive coach, I really believe that it's great that you're listening and you're considering these concepts, but what are you going to do to move to action? If we don't do that step, we will just be entertained by content. So what are you going to do? What are you going to stop, start and continue? Okay, so what I'm going to stop doing is I'm going to stop myself when I go into a situation and I'm feeling because I always feel a little bit intimidated by the person in front of me I don't want to let them down. So I'm going to stop allowing that to inhibit me. And I think about that guy allowing that to inhibit me. And I think about that guy that was across from me and I didn't want to let him down. He was sitting there, he wanted me to buy, but that doesn't matter in those situations. And so I need to stop allowing that other person to inhibit my courage to say no if it doesn't fit me. So there you go, I got a stop. That is my stop for today, and then continue. I want to continue talking about this and practicing this on a regular basis, because I think there's so much power in just identifying this and being able to understand. Sometimes the scarcity mindset manifests itself in emotions, and so being able to identify that in the moment is powerful, and so I'm going to continue to be very aware of that because it's emotion related. That's a good trigger for me to use to be able to zoom out and understand that. So what are you going to? Stop, start and continue, and maybe you need to think of the start before the stop, like I just had to do.

Speaker 1:

I had a friend. I thought I would share a quick little tip that a friend gave me this week. I just love that this community gets so excited about this whole idea of adopting a negotiator mindset that they share stories with me all the time. So a friend of mine was going to discuss a meeting dynamic with her boss's boss and her boss was gonna be there. But he had just given up on the fact that her boss's boss had decided that he wanted certain people on the client side that they didn't have a relationship his equal to be in the room, and she was trying to convince him that you need to work your way up the organization before you ask the most senior person to a meeting and he was just dug into this situation. So her and I talked about surprising him, surprising him on a different approach, and I talked about surprise and anger as two emotions in the last episode, but in this context it was really interesting. I said, instead of taking the same stance you did, to really reiterate your point, go into the conversation and listen to him. Let him feel like you agree to that final state you need to get to Help him think or believe that he convinced you in that moment to take his stance and then, after he has that win, go into it and explain your position.

Speaker 1:

And I was so thrilled we were just talking about that and I was so thrilled the next day to get a text from her. She had thought that it was going to go bad, as it always did, but she reported. She was so excited, she goes, I killed it, I did it, he did it. It wasn't like she was being manipulative, but she took a different way, a different route, and she was successful. She used surprise to change Without knowing it. He was surprised that she took this stance. It was something that was not familiar to him he was ready for all of the same arguments. So she took away his ability to use his arguments as a weapon and they found a way to collaborate and really move through to a good solution, and he was really happy as well.

Speaker 1:

So thanks to my great friends. Please share your story with me so I can share it here as well. If you want to know more about working with me or what I'm up to, head over to Negotiation Love, I'd love to hear from you. You can also give me your story there. Don't forget that negotiation is more than a skill. It's a mindset. So until next time I'll be here. I hope you will be too.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes and, if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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