Leaders with Leverage: Adopting a Negotiator Mindset

"No" can be your superpower

April 23, 2024 • Susie Tomenchok • Episode 85

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Ever wondered about the unexpected strength a simple "no" can wield? Join me in unraveling the underestimated power of this two-letter word alongside negotiation experts. This episode is an empowering journey to discover how "no" can define your boundaries and earn you respect. We'll share personal anecdotes, laugh at the ridiculous lengths some go to avoid rejection and equip you with the tools to turn fear on its head. "No" isn't just a word; it's a secret weapon in negotiation that I'm teaching you to master.

Prepare to transform your mindset as we tackle the art of negotiation head-on, examining the role "no" plays in our daily interactions. I'm providing actionable strategies to handle "no" with grace and curiosity. Exploring the psychological impact of rejection, we encourage a shift from knee-jerk affirmations to intentional and strategic responses. By embracing your ability to say "no," you'll find the pathway to more "yes" outcomes in life’s negotiations. Tune in, and let's move beyond the fear, together, to ask for—and receive—more from the world around us.

In this episode, I cover the following:
1. Saying 'no' and creating boundaries.
2. Navigating 'no' in negotiations.
3. Practical tips for improving your relationship with the word 'no'.

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Speaker 1:

There's a really powerful word in negotiations that allows you to assert yourself, earns respect and creates leverage. Do you want to know what it is? Well, meet me back right here. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, susie Tomlinson. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Well, welcome back, and I'm glad that you made the choice to be here, because this is I feel like I say this a lot one of my favorite topics to talk about, because we have this relationship with this word and we are careful with it. So the powerful word in negotiation is no. Now think about this. What I want you to really dive into for yourself, or be thoughtful around, is what is your relationship with the word no? I mean N-O. What is that? And I'm going to talk about it from both sides of that coin. What it's like to say no, which is really important as a leader, as a negotiator, as a friend.

Speaker 1:

Saying no creates our boundaries, and we look at that and we hear that word too when we think, oh, like I just want to be there for that person or that situation. Creating boundaries sounds so hard and so know it can be something that you need to really think about. Is it hard for you to say no? And we also know that hearing no is something that we also avoid, and to the point that we don't ask because we're afraid of no, and I just want to sit there for one second and think about that. We don't ask because we're afraid to say no, and what's so funny about that to me is how often is no delivered in a way that's really hard for us to hear, like we hardly ever hear no, we are no. No, what are you? Are you ridiculous? Why did you ask me? No, absolutely not. That is not normally the answer. If it was, it's almost easy to respond to that, you know, because then you can get your courage. But the problem is no is usually delivered in a way that isn't so abrupt, and so it's hard for us to hear it. We almost rationalize it. But what's funny about looking at it from both sides is when you think about saying no, you think about how hard it is to have those boundaries, and when we're asking for something, we are afraid to hear no, even though we don't really admit it to ourselves. That's what we're avoiding. But we know it's hard to say no, right, and the research actually shows that the majority of people have a hard time saying no. So the likelihood of people have a hard time saying no. So the likelihood of us getting a no is less than we believe, but yet we won't ask because we're afraid of it.

Speaker 1:

There's been so many studies around this because people have tried to. They want to really push this, and some of the research is is shows people going to really absurd places, like there's this one example where somebody went through a drive through at McDonald's and asked for something that wasn't on the menu, asked for it to really what was real elaborate about what they wanted, and it was so interesting to listen to the people try not to say no. They're like, well, we don't have that, but let me see what I can do. And Adam Grant, who is a famous podcaster and he does a lot about workplace psychology, tried it himself and there was a podcast that he did that. He went to that Cinnabon that place that makes cinnamon rolls and he asked them not only to create a cinnamon roll that was a very specific shape for him, but he also asked for it for free and it was so interesting. It was awkward to listen to, but it was so interesting to hear the person to listen to, but it was so interesting to hear the person do what he wanted for nothing.

Speaker 1:

So we need to examine our relationship with no and be thoughtful about saying it more so that we can create the respect of the other side, because people respect people that say no in the right way. And how do we get beyond, maybe even asking ourselves why are we not moving forward for this fear of something that we don't even really fear. So today we're going to look at some stories. When we come back, I'm going to tell you a couple of stories to get you thinking about this relationship that we have with no from both sides. We'll be right back. Hey there, love this podcast. I'm taking 10 seconds out of this episode to ask you to leave an honest review. More reviews on the show help us to reach more professionals who are ready to lead with leverage. Now let's continue the conversation. I've been thinking a lot about some of the stories, because I feel like I have so many that illustrate both sides of no, and so what really bubbled up for me was first I watched and sometimes it's easy to see how somebody is not using no by watching from the sidelines and I remember a friend of mine, mckenna.

Speaker 1:

She was actually in a consulting relationship with an executive with an executive and so the executive was paying for McKenna's consulting hours, and so it made a lot of sense for her to say yes on a regular basis because she got paid. But what happened was, over time, they did build a really great relationship, and that executive started asking for McKenna for some time of hers. That really wasn't on the clock, and so at first McKenna said yes and would do these things and kind of rationalize to herself you know, oh, that's only an hour, I'm not really doing anything else tonight, so I'm just going to do this for her. And then these requests became less about the business and was asking for her time to give her some professional advice in other areas that really was not associated at all to the business. And McKenna kept complying and over time, because she never set the boundaries, she never said no.

Speaker 1:

She got into this kind of like, this landslide around not being able to get her footing back, because she felt like she already had set this expectation and this woman really liked her. She just didn't want to disappoint her. So she would be asked over the weekends to do things for her. I remember there was a Saturday that she was pinged by this executive and she woke up early on a Saturday and really did some things for her for the entire day, her day off and so it was a really murky relationship. So it was a really murky relationship and when their consulting finished, this executive still asked McKenna for things and it took McKenna to say no finally, only because she had the clarity that there was not a formal relationship anymore and unfortunately, mckenna learned the hard way that it was all about being taken advantage of and I don't think the woman intentionally did it. I think she really liked McKenna. She believed in some way on her side that McKenna really enjoyed doing all of this for her.

Speaker 1:

So it's not like this person. These people get up and they're like how can I continue to take advantage of this person when you don't say no, you're saying yes and you're doing it in a way that the person doesn't understand anymore. They need to understand what the boundaries are. People are respectful of you when you say no because it allows them to understand, kind of, where they play and so having that creation of that boundary is actually a really nice way of creating that balance in a relationship. We think it's hard or we think that person will be mad, but it's actually really helpful and really healthy for that relationship to be thoughtful about saying no and those boundaries. So McKenna had to really learn the hard way to make sure that she created those boundaries moving forward.

Speaker 1:

Another example I thought of around no was hearing no and what to do about it. And I remember in a negotiation I got an unexpected no and at first I was surprised. And the funny thing about no is if you take it as no, never, then you just kind of walk away. And so when you hear no and you think, oh, I need to understand more, it opens up this additional collection of information. So when I heard no, it took me a while to get good at this skill, to be honest I would hear no and I would say, oh interesting, I hear that it was unexpected for me, but tell me more. And in this situation, what I didn't realize was they said no to some timing and if we weren't able to accommodate, the deal was off the table. But when I heard no and I asked to understand more, we found a way to satisfy their request. So we continue to move forward.

Speaker 1:

And so, because we have this relationship with no, we actually believe that no means no never. And oftentimes, when people say no, they are looking, they're creating that boundary and they're looking for a way to say yes. In fact, when you network with people or you reach out to somebody and they're looking for a way to say yes, in fact, when you network with people or you reach out to somebody and they say, no, I can't get together for this or I can't accommodate this. If you ask somebody for a reference or something and they say no, you think, oh, I'm never going to ask again. I feel badly that I asked, you go through all of this kind of emotional math and what they thought in their head was maybe I can't do it right now, I'm too busy, or something. But they didn't articulate it and they didn't because you didn't say tell me a little bit more. And most of the time people believe that, or the research shows that no means no, not right now. And in fact when you go back and ask again, a person is more likely to say yes the next time because they kind of understand that, they kind of remember in their head that there was a time they had to say no. And if I can comply this time, I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1:

No is a tricky word, but it's so powerful to use it to create boundaries and to be aware of it in a negotiation, to make sure that you don't hear no. Never you hear no. And then you lean into it to figure out what more, through curiosity and questions when we come back. I'm going to give you three tips to start thinking about in examining your relationship with no and how to approach it a little differently. Moving forward We'll be right back is about awareness and seeing no around you, watching others say it and also watching others move through it. It's such an interesting thing to have this awareness around it and even going in a conversation when you're listening in listening for that no or when somebody should have said no and didn't, and it reminds me I remember just even in social circles, I never like to let people down and we have a social group of women that we get together with, and I remember they were going to have a road trip and I don't really love road trips, but when anybody asks me to do something, I normally just say yeah, I'm in Because I don't want to be left out.

Speaker 1:

And I remember my friend, regina, in the same situation, was like not my thing, but thanks for inviting me, and it was like oh my gosh, that was a no and I didn't feel badly about it that she did, and what happened was in that moment I didn't do the same thing and then I had to live through like they're trying to put together the dates and all these stuff that I was involved in and Regina had fallen off because she was clear about her no and nobody felt bad about that. So having that awareness and nobody felt bad about that, so having that awareness, that was such an awakening for me to watch, that to be thoughtful about. I see that in use and that was really well done and you can learn so much. You can create your own tips by just being aware of hearing that, watching it and seeing how other people say no or move through no. So the second tip is to practice, practice. You know my friend Regina, hearing how she said no it made me go. All right, I can do this.

Speaker 1:

So what happens to me in practice now is I make myself identify oh, that was a no, or I need to say no. I kind of ask myself oh, they're going to talk about a road trip. What is my answer to that? Instead of just saying yes to something, I do a quick calculation. At first. It takes some time, but I do a quick calculation so that I can say no in a more thoughtful way. I can frame it in a way and I think this is a great one to practice with somebody that you really care about.

Speaker 1:

Start with, maybe, your chores how do you say no to something and do it in a way that is thoughtful to that relationship. So practicing it and learning how you want to frame it, because the thing is, it's not no, I don't want to do relationship. So practicing it and learning how you want to frame it because the thing is it's not no, I don't want to do that. You're not learning to be somebody, you're not. You're learning how to set the boundaries in a way that makes it really useful for the other person, so they know where your boundaries are, because when they do, they have a deeper respect for you and you can say it in a way. Hey, listen, I'm really working on saying no and so I really appreciate that you asked me to do this, but at this time I really don't have the time, or I don't really. I've done that many times. I haven't really enjoyed that experience. But if there's something else that we can do together in the future, if you really mean it, then do something that feels framed in a way that is really honoring you but is still thoughtful about the other person, all right.

Speaker 1:

So the third tip is really around receiving no and what are you going to do with it. Remember, no is not always no, never, and especially in a negotiation we are going to hear no and we should expect that. And when we believe it's like no, never, and we just kind of say we're done, we close down opportunities. And that's so important in a negotiation when we hear no, to really lean in with curiosity, because going back and forth is what a negotiation is always about. It's about understanding the interests of both parties. So having that curiosity around oh wow, I didn't expect you to say no to that. Can you tell me a little bit more about that? No, tell me a little bit more about what does that mean? Help me understand your context. Help me understand more. Then it allows you. What it does is, when you do that and you put the question out there, it gives you some time to kind of go all right.

Speaker 1:

That was hard. It was hard to hear no, that was unexpected. Like, let me just listen really well and figure out what I'm going to do next, what question I'm going to ask or what ask I'm going to have. Since that was a no, how can we get right around that to what we want? By understanding from the other side, and you could even go back to the same ask, but you might realize that maybe it was unclear and so maybe oh, that's so interesting that's not exactly what I meant. I meant this Negotiations are often riddled by bad communication the majority of the time.

Speaker 1:

So even getting clarity can help you know if a no is really no to what you asked. So try those tips. So the first one is aware, be aware of no, watch it happening around you. The second one is to practice. How can you practice it in a safe place, in a safe way, so you can start getting really good at framing no and responding to that. And then the third one is the receiving. Think about, take a moment when you hear no, to really have a meaningful back to them. What are you going to do? What are you going to ask when we come back? We're going to really talk about how do you apply this now to stop, start and continue. We'll be right back, welcome back. And this is the segment where you have to really think about how to apply this.

Speaker 1:

As an executive coach, I talk to people about the leadership and negotiation and it's important to understand the theory, but practicing it is the way to really be able to embody it and get better at it and that leads me right into what we're going to do the stop, start and continue. And that brings me right to the stop and when I really understood this psychology around no about how it's hard to say, it's hard to hear I stopped at that time saying yes to anything. I really made the conscious decision to be more thoughtful about no and when it's around me. So what are you going to stop doing as it relates to no? What is the biggest hurdle for you that, after thinking about this from this angle, you're going to do that you need to do? What are you going to stop doing? What are you going to start doing?

Speaker 1:

You know, as a challenge to myself, I'm going to say no, like literally use the word no, not obnoxiously, but this week I'm going to say the word no three times In places that I didn't expect to. In the moment, I'm going to use the word no, but I'm going to frame it still using the way that is appropriate to that relationship. I'm not going to just put my hand up and go no, I don't want to do that. I'm going to say no in a way that's respectful, because I do understand that doing that allows me to be better in the future. So I'm going to start that way and maybe that could be your challenge. What are you going to do this week? What can you do to embody this idea of no? And then, what am I going to continue doing? I'm really thoughtful about identifying no. When I hear it, I go, oh, that was a no and this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask questions. I'm going to continue to do that. I kind of spot no in my every day so that I can be really intentional about how I want to respond.

Speaker 1:

No is something that we need to be thoughtful about, moving through saying more. And they say if you're not hearing no, you're not asking enough. Think about that. Start noticing when you're getting no's and if you aren't getting no's, you're not asking for enough things. So maybe you want to ask more so that you can feel that sense of okay, that was their boundary. That's such a hard thing to do, sometimes because we don't like to ask for things, but the other person doesn't feel the same way as we do about the ask and sometimes, as we like to give to others, people like to give to us.

Speaker 1:

So asking for things that we need asking more, to get curious about when you're going to hear a no can really open up opportunities. Think about in your everyday, maybe in a corporate environment being able to ask about opportunities to do something beyond your role. Who could you ask that for from and just be curious to see what is possible. What could you get to by just being curious about where you're going, and sometimes we'll unlock things that we didn't even intentionally look for, and it could be development. It could be something that somebody has and it's just an easy yes for them. People find that enjoyment from being able to say yes. So look for that. Instead of thinking about no as this negative thing, think about looking for no more and you will get more yeses along the way. Such a powerful topic to think about and contemplate, because we have this relationship that we can't really explain. Over time, we have built up this relationship that we don't even know has been a boundary, so I challenge you to look for it. Figure out what you're going to do, what you're going to stop, start and continue, and be aware of saying it and hearing it. I'm so glad you made the choice to invest in yourself today and I hope you'll be back next time as well. If you want to learn more, connect with me. Head over to negotiationlovecom. And don't forget negotiation is more than a skill, it's a mindset. Until next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read, where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset, so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes, and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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