How to Get What You Want

Frame the game, win the match

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 82

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Unlock the transformative power of strategic framing in your negotiations. This episode is a deep dive into how setting the right tone and carefully curating your conversation can pave the way to successful outcomes. As we unravel the journey of mutual understanding, you'll learn to invite others to see things from your perspective, fostering a collaborative environment that's primed for reaching agreements.

Today I share three indispensable tips to arm you for your next high-stakes talk, whether it's a contract renewal or a complex negotiation. You'll discover how to start with the end in mind, articulate the interests of all parties involved, and maintain a positive tone amidst challenges. These strategies are not just theoretical—they're actionable and proven to create an atmosphere where everyone feels valued and heard, essential components for collaborative success.

In this episode, I talk about the following:
1. Importance of framing the conversation and framing one's ask in negotiation.
2. How framing can be used effectively to achieve desired outcomes in various contexts.
3. Practical tips for leveraging framing techniques in conversations.

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Speaker 1:

If you want to communicate conviction and confidence in your next negotiation, you need to try this. I'll tell you more when we come back. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage, all right. So what I'm talking about today is framing the conversation. Framing your ask is framing the conversation, framing your ask, and we know this is important, but we don't think about it in the way that we are intentional, we consider all the things that are important to the frame, and it's key because what it does is it puts you in the same kind of mindset as the other person. Or let me say it the other way, it puts the other person in the same mindset as you. So framing your ask gets them to kind of see it from your side of the table. It's clearly identifying what is the goal for the conversation, what do you want, and it's framing it in a way that really starts to get them to think about it from your perspective. And when I think about framing, it's powerful. In those first few seconds, once you've created the rapport, you've had kind of the niceties around it. It's an easy transition. Let me just take a few minutes and I'm going to frame what we're going to talk about today. And what it does is, if you say it like that, you're inviting the other person. You're saying I want this to be a collaborative conversation, but you're also helping them see it why it's important to you. So I'm going to talk about what are those elements that are important to include in that, and part of it is getting them to see themselves in your frame and the other the reason I think it's so important is it allows us to get ourselves in the right place.

Speaker 1:

And when I think about framing, I think about framing all throughout the conversation. So I think about framing it at the very beginning and then considering you listening to them, because you've prepared and you're objective and you listen to what they're saying, so that you can reframe it again. And then you continue to reframe. So when I think about framing, I think about what's important to share to get them in that state of mind, and then constantly thinking how do I need to reframe this to get them to think about it in the way I want them to? And sometimes it's literally saying I understand your perspective, but let me put it this way, I want you to see it from this side. And it's continually moving them to your side of the table so that they can understand what's really important to you. It's not that you're not listening or making them feel like they get what they want, but you're continually helping them understand and flowing through. And the way I like to think about it is like I said you do that initial frame, but as you're going through, you kind of think about it as a journey and you're thinking, okay, they've agreed to this, they've agreed to this. Now let me reframe where we are now and maybe it's looking at like this is what we've agreed to already and we have three more things that we need to get to. And then you're continually reframing and for me, that is a great tool to get me to continually kind of check back in with where am I, where are they, where's the conversation, so that we're reframing to get to the close.

Speaker 1:

So when we come back, I'm going to share a couple stories that will give you some context to what I'm talking about and get you starting to think about how will framing and having a good frame work for you in your next negotiation or conversation. We'll be right back. Hey there, love this podcast. I'm taking 10 seconds out of this episode to ask you to leave an honest review. More reviews on the show help us to reach more professionals who are ready to lead with leverage. Now let's continue the conversation. Okay, so welcome back. Let me frame the next piece of the conversation for you.

Speaker 1:

So in this next segment, I'm going to tell you three different stories. I'm going to illustrate the power of framing by giving you three stories that are real life examples, of course they are, to how I've seen it used effectively. So see that just that little introduction to you gives you an idea of where we're going, which is so important for us to kind of have the same path in mind. So the first story is from a friend of mine, michael, and let me just tell you a little bit about Michael. He was a senior executive at a media company and was a lawyer and did all the business deals for the company. So he was a negotiator. He was somebody that called himself a negotiator. He did it every day with his team. He had to teach people how to negotiate, so this was just really innate for him. So he was the one that really enlightened this for me. So he told me this story One day.

Speaker 1:

His boss, who happened to be the CEO, came to him and said Michael, I really appreciate your contributions. I want to give you a C-level title and more compensation, and you would think anybody that has their boss come to them and say that you would just say, okay, right. But instead Michael said thank you, can I think about it? And that was just what Michael did, is anytime there was a negotiation going on, he would ask for more time, to give himself time to think about it. Because in every situation you have emotions that cloud your ability to think it. Because in every situation you have emotions that cloud your ability to think. So he thought a lot about the frame.

Speaker 1:

So let me tell you a little bit of backstory. So the role that he would take over was currently held by this guy we'll just call him Hal and Hal had worked for the company for 30 years and over that time they kind of just honestly kept him in place. He did okay, but Michael was going to take over his job. Hal had retired and he was going to have a broader band of experience. He was going to take over his role and more and what Michael knew, and so did the CEO, that Hal had been with the company for a long time, and so over time Hal made quite a lot of money In fact, less than what I mean, more than what Michael was being offered by the CEO, and Michael knew it. And so Michael, even though he wasn't motivated by money, he told me that he said he wanted to make sure he went back with a very careful frame.

Speaker 1:

So when you think about a negotiation, there's a lot of evidence you have. Hal's been around for 30 years. He wasn't respected. Michael just got a new opportunity. So there's all this data, but you need to think about how do you frame it for the other party. So Michael really thought clearly about what important information do I have that I want to tell the CEO. So what he did was he said listen, I appreciate that you were giving me this new role and the money. It's all great, but what really bothers me is that you didn't respect Hal and you're paying me less than what you paid Hal. And that's all he said. And he practiced silence and he knew that the CEO was the decision maker and that saying that forced his hand to make a decision. Now the CEO just said okay and gave him additional money. Now, if Michael would have reframed it to him, or would have framed it to him and said I appreciate this job, this additional responsibility, this title, and I know that you didn't respect Hal and I know he was paid over time more than what you offered me, but it bugs me. If he would have put that little piece of data in there, his boss would have been able to go yes, you're right, I thought about that, and it was only because he worked for the company for 30 years, but because Michael framed it very carefully, that piece of data even though it wasn't something that they both didn't know that piece of data wasn't easy for the CEO to pull out and say that's the reason why I'm not paying you as much as Hal. So Michael really believed in framing and framing that illustration. Hopefully something like that will happen to all of us. But in light of that, being thoughtful about all the data and when we prepare, we want to share that. We were prepared, we want to give them everything, but it's really important to think about what are the important pieces that the person needs to know to get them to understand it, from my perspective.

Speaker 1:

So another story is more around being a leader is more around being a leader, and when I was a leader, I had to do as all leaders do, had to do the difficult process of getting rid of somebody that wasn't meeting expectations. And actually a friend of mine who was the head of HR at the time gave me some pointers on how to enter into the conversation when I had to tell this gentleman, who I really liked a lot, that his employment was going to be terminated and she said frame it like this Walk in and when you sit down with him, say I'm about to tell you something that's going to be hard for you to hear, and then give it some time for that to sink in, and then go in and tell them what you need for him to know. So in that example, what Katie told me was that what you're doing is you're helping that person readjust their perspective by framing how the conversation is going to feel to them as they moved into it. So framing it into this is going to be something that's hard for you to hear. That's also a frame. It helps get that person to shift their perspective. And then the third example is you know when you're going to go to negotiate with somebody that has more power than you whether it's maybe your boss or maybe they have the job you want thinking about framing so that that other party is thinking about it from your perspective is important.

Speaker 1:

I remember one time I went to my boss's boss and I was talking to him about a project and a client and I knew he was already not happy about this client, but I wanted him to see it from a different perspective because I wanted to renew our contract and get him to see the story from a different perspective. So when I walked into his office, he would just take control of the conversation. But I said, hey, before we get started, I want to give you a little bit of a different perspective on how I see this contract, because I know you sit in a different place and I'm closer to the client. So let me tell you why I think it's important for our investment in this client to allow us to negotiate and get to a contract that's going to be a win-win for both of us. See, I was able to shift his perspective from being a little bit snarky toward the client to re-seeing it, so that when I made my case he would say yes, so framing is really important. And if you think about it, about how do I get that other person to be in a comfortable place where they're open to the dialogue, that's a really strong way of thinking about what's important to consider when framing. So when we come back, I'm going to give you three tips that you can use to start thinking about how can you leverage framing in your next conversation. We'll be right back, all right, so let's jump right into our tips. So the first tip is to think about the end in mind and take time to prepare how you're going to frame it so that the other person knows where you want to go.

Speaker 1:

And when I think about this, I think about as an entrepreneur and working with clients. I often frame the conversation around what is the end in mind. So if I'm working on a new proposal and they had some questions that they wanted to talk to me about, I will say to them all right, I know we had some questions that you wanted to cover with me about the proposal, and what I'd like us to do is let's go through those questions, I'll go through the meat and potatoes of the proposal to make sure that you clearly understand, and then, by the end, I'd like us to be at a point where we can both sign off on the proposal, because it's really important that we get started and get everybody engaged. So see, I made sure that I addressed what was important to them, but I wanted them, I wanted to foreshadow and say by the end of this conversation, I want us to get here, and so then if they had any apprehension around that or they wanted to stop me, they could have, but it's kind of like, if they don't say anything, they are agreeing to getting to that end in mind. And what's powerful about being that framer that does that is then they feel comfortable of where you want to go and they're going to move forward because they've essentially agreed that you want to have that final thing in that meeting that you're going to. So that's tip number one. All right, so tip number two it's about making sure that you articulate what's important to the other party, and this one sounds so simple but it is often missed.

Speaker 1:

People don't think about, when they go in, what's important to the other party. And when I went through the negotiation for leaders program through Harvard, they said when they have seen groups consider the interests of the other party for just 30 seconds before they walk in, they have measurably better results. And so when you think about what's important to the other side, take that time to do that and include it in your frame. It might feel even when I do this sometimes it almost feels manipulative, because you're saying what seems then to be obvious about what the other party wants, but to the other side it feels like you took that time to consider what's important to them. So when you're doing that framing. Think about what is important to them, say you know, I've spent some time. Show them your math. I've spent some time really thinking about this conversation and I wanted to make sure that we have the same outcomes that we want to move toward. But also I spent some time thinking about what's important to you. What are the pieces that are your highest priority, what's important to you?

Speaker 1:

So, when you think about the example I used in the last tip with my client and looking at the proposal, I would pull out what's important to them and for that case, that example that I gave, it was all about timing. My client wanted to start quickly. Her team wanted to have this, which was great for me. They wanted to have this session with me, and so timing was of the essence. So that was a perfect catalyst to make sure we got through. So, in my frame, when I said this is the end in mind, the first thing I considered was how do we get this to move quickly? Because I know it's important to you, because we want to get this on the calendar and we have to get this done in order to do that. All right.

Speaker 1:

So tip number three, our final tip, is to be positive and continue. You know I talked about how you reframe, but when you have consistency and when you are thinking about what the other person needs to know, reiterating what's important especially when you get stuck and being positive about it, remembering that the end in mind is to have an outcome that works for both parties. So in the situation with my client, had I not answered a question exactly like she wanted? I need to stay positive. I need to reiterate hey, remember, we want to get to the end today in our time, and I see we have 15 minutes left, so I understand that we need to get through this question. Let's figure out how do we find a solution here. So, staying positive and it really helps when you're objective in that moment. So, when you've thought through how you're going to reframe, what are their interests, what are the questions they're going to ask, then you're not surprised in the moment and you can quickly reframe in a powerful way to get them moving along, because framing is all about helping them get on the journey with you and move through the process as a partner, side by side with you. So you're always considering in your frame, at the beginning and all throughout how can I stay positive. How can I make them feel a part of the process and get them to the point that they feel comfortable to saying yes, and it's a partnership as we move forward? So when we come back, we're going to do our, put it into practice, our stop, start and continue. So I'm going to challenge you what do you do next to apply the framing application for your next conversation? We'll be right back. All right, welcome back.

Speaker 1:

So, as an executive coach, this is where the rubber hits the road. I can't believe. I said that. I knew trying. I knew I always mess those up. So this is where you can take a concept and you need to be thoughtful about how can you really use it for you. So I've given you some examples, some stories. Hopefully, you saw yourself in one of those, and this doesn't have to be. This could be a difficult conversation that's coming up for you. It can be a conversation with your partner Think about something and maybe it's high stakes for you that's coming up for you or a collection of what are you going to stop, start and continue to do as it relates to this concept of framing and being really clear about where you're going.

Speaker 1:

So let's start with stop, what are you going to stop doing? Now, this one's always hard for me because I always think it in the reverse, but the one thing that I'm going to stop doing is I'm going to stop feeling bad about framing it in a way that benefits the other person. I always think that that's an obvious kind of like. It feels a little manipulative to me at times, but I'm going to stop worrying about that. I'm going to realize that it doesn't feel the same for the other person. So what are you going to stop doing as it relates to framing? What do you need to consciously say enough is enough?

Speaker 1:

So the second one is starting. What are you going to start doing? And for me, I think about framing automatically. I think it's just through so many examples that I've gone through that it just is an automatic muscle for me. But I think I can be better by starting to intentionally say I want to think about how I'm going to frame this conversation and giving myself a few extra minutes before I walk in to consider what is the end in mind. Like I mentioned, what's the benefit to the other person and how do I want to frame this in a way that's going to give them the most context to help them. So I'm going to start inserting more time for me to plan the frame. What are you going to start doing and what are you going to continue doing? Frame what are you going to start doing and what are you going to continue doing? What's working for you?

Speaker 1:

Maybe you didn't even realize that you're already framing and you're like well, I give myself credit for that. So for me, as I mentioned, this is a normal, natural muscle for me, and so I'm going to continue to remember that. It's important in the conversation. The power for me is in the conversation. I will say to myself what are they missing? What's important to them? What do I need to insert here? And so I reframe all along. So I like that idea of having that visual for me because when I think about it, it makes me kind of move over into their mindset and go what are they missing? So that I can fill in the blanks. It's like I get out of my seat and help them understand what they need to know next.

Speaker 1:

So what are you going to continue doing?

Speaker 1:

What are you going to give yourself credit for that? You're like you know what. I'm really good at this. This comes naturally to me, all of these things. That's what's great about adopting a negotiator mindset is some of these things are things that we already do because they are innate to relationship building, to thinking about what's important to the other person. Those are things that make us better humans. So framing is one of those things that you may have been doing something really great around this concept and now you have a name for it. That's what this is all about putting a name to it so you can be more intentional the next time. So these things are seen in real life that we're already doing. They're invisible to us sometimes. So I'm so glad that you made the choice for you to be here today to invest in how you will become more of that negotiator and maybe it is just identifying what you're already doing. Well, if you want to learn how to engage more with me, go to negotiationlovecom. That's the place where you can get all the information you can, and I love negotiation, so you should too. So it's negotiationlovecom, and remember that negotiation is more than a skill. It truly is a mindset.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read, where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset, so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes, and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that. I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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