Leaders with Leverage: Adopting a Negotiator Mindset

Techniques for High-Stakes Situations

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 105

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Feeling the heat when it matters most? Join me in this episode to learn how to manage yourself in high-stakes situations like negotiations or leadership challenges. From understanding your emotional triggers to mastering tactical pauses, you'll gain valuable insights into staying composed when the stakes are high. Whether you're dealing with intense deadlines, conflict resolution, or key decision-making moments, these strategies will help you maintain clarity and control under pressure.

I also explore how to recognize when stress is clouding your judgment and how to avoid falling into common traps. You'll learn techniques to reduce anxiety, sharpen focus, and make better, more informed decisions, even in the toughest scenarios. Ready to take control under pressure? Tune in to discover how to thrive, not just survive, when the heat is on!

In this episode, I'll cover:
1. Understanding and managing pressure in negotiations and leadership.
2. The impact of stress on decision-making and relationships at work.
3. Three practical tips for staying calm under pressure.

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[00:00:00] When the heat is on and every move matters, how do you keep your cool today? We're going to talk about how to manage yourself under pressure. Stay right here. 

[00:00:15] Hey friends, I'm so glad you made the choice to be here today because such an interesting, important topic is pressure. And when I think about pressure, it is definitely in a high stakes situation, whether it is a negotiation, like a traditional negotiation, when you're looking to purchase something or asking for a promotion or, uh, Negotiating a new role, but also as leaders pressure is really felt when there's too much to do.

[00:00:51] You don't have a lot of resources when you have to work with somebody that you don't get along with, or you don't trust, uh, when your boss is, is giving you more than. Then maybe your peers and it doesn't feel like there's equity in terms of your responsibilities and your workload. There's a lot of contributing factors that come with stress and it can be very personal.

[00:01:17] It can also just be not just be. It's also related to. Life stresses and work and having too much to balance in everything that we do. So it shows up a lot and sometimes just to identify it and being able to say, okay, this is a lot of stress. What's going on with me? Because in stressful situations, what often happens is we go into autopilot and that's what happens in a negotiation.

[00:01:45] In fact, timing is used as a strategy. To get the other person to make a decision quickly. We see that in at retail places where you may be having making a big purchase. Maybe it's an electronics, something or a big piece of furniture or something major. And you'll get pressure not to leave without making a decision.

[00:02:08] You're only going to get this deal if you stay here and you kind of sign on the dotted line. There's an intention with that because they know that with time, um, you, you won't have that urgency to Say yes, or to sign on the dotted line to get that, to make that purchase. So stress is used as a maneuver.

[00:02:29] To get us to, to act, uh, we all understand that and sometimes stress is just put on and the people around us don't realize that applying that timeframe or the, the lack of resources, whatever is going on around us. We don't, they don't recognize. And what I see in leaders. So often, and this is backed by research that it, it, it then gets complicated because what happens is you don't, you're not as open to hearing different perspectives.

[00:03:01] So you just go with what you want to do. You make decisions yourself, you're less collaborative with colleagues or your team, because as you get. Pressure. And especially if it's time pressure, you just want to move forward. You just want to get it off your plate. You just want to take that thing and check it off and get it done.

[00:03:20] And it also can mean that you go to specific people on the team that you trust because you know, they'll do a good job. You just don't want to have to think about how do I coach this person through if it takes more time for you to work with somebody else. It's easier for us and we might become in an autopilot just to go to a certain person.

[00:03:38] And we don't even recognize that habit that we go into. We will, we tend to invite the certain people to meetings because the path of least resistance, when a decision has to be made, how do you get the people in the room that are going to support you that are going to see it the same way you do. So thinking about yourself under pressure and sometimes as a person, evaluating that.

[00:04:01] Sometimes we feel it in our bodies. Uh, I often try to check in with myself when I feel stress in, you know, my stomach, in my shoulders, in my neck. If I feel that, I try to step away and figure out what are the contributing factors to that? What is the stress? Is it nerves? Where's that coming from? What can I do to change that?

[00:04:25] What can I do to shift that? And that's such a powerful way because especially in a negotiation, the key is to be clear minded when something is high stakes, the more clear minded you can be, the better you can address something that's unexpected in front of you. The better you can answer a question. Um, you can anticipate things the more clear minded we are and stress that they, they say that when your body is under stress, your blood is taken away from your brain.

[00:04:56] And it's, it's sent to the muscles because it's trying to, to. Make sure that the vital organs are taken care of. And that doesn't help you much when you really need to be thinking clearly in the situation. So being aware of those stressful situations, what do you need to adjust is really what we're going to talk about today.

[00:05:17] I've faced. Many of these in my work with clients, as I've learned through their experience of their own stress and what it's done to them, I've seen people literally be paralyzed by, um, stress and, and then faced with simple decisions. They need me to help them. Maneuver through and in a negotiation, the stress of, of timing, I felt of pressure of getting the deal done because we don't have any other options.

[00:05:49] Stress can be a factor that doesn't allow us to get the best out of the deal. So when we come back, I'll share some stories around this to give you some context, but I want you to really think about what is going on for you. That is full of pressure. Uh, where do you fall in a scale of how are you feeling?

[00:06:12] Are you living in a level of stress right now? And what are the contributing factors and what do you have control over? So I'll share some stories from my life. I want you to reflect on yours and then we'll go from there. So stay right here.

[00:06:27] So when I think about being under pressure, I think about a lot of different stories from my past. And the first one I'll talk about is a negotiation that had, we were doing a, a highly technical, um, installation with a major network. So we were in New York, we're at 30 rock. Um, this was years ago, so this isn't any, no, probably none of the people that were there then are there now, but we were going to do a big technical install, meaning we were going to manage a lot of their business, a lot of their broadcast channels.

[00:07:08] And so it was a considerable. Uh, investment in terms of hardware that we're going to buy. We were going to have a lot of people as a part of the operation. So it was going to be labor intensive. So it was a big deal. It was a multi million dollar deal over, uh, several years. And so we had gone through many conversations, a lot of them technical to get to this final.

[00:07:32] Two days of negotiations where we really sat down and looked at the numbers. And when I say looked at the numbers, you never really show exactly spreadsheets of everything that you're purchasing, but you think about what you're going to show as I'm using air quotes, transparency of the pieces of the deal.

[00:07:52] So you can come to a. Conclusion, you know, and when you're talking about technology and you have engineers on both sides of the table, there's definitely a lot of knowledge share. And there's a lot of, there is just some natural transparency because sometimes it comes down to who has the better deal with the vendors.

[00:08:09] And sometimes you have to be really careful about. Telling them about your deal, because that's a, another negotiation. That is also a part of a contract that you have to be very careful with. So it was very complex in terms of information sharing, and we gave them our number at the end of the first day.

[00:08:29] And. The, their, their head of procurement was very seasoned, was basically like, Nope, you have to be 10 percent lower. This, this is not going to fly. So we left and called back to home, our, you know, home office and had a strategy meeting about it. And our COO was convinced that. They were bluffing that it wasn't 10%.

[00:08:54] We were going to take 4 percent off and that was going to be our final and best offer. And I remember, you know, I was trying to convince him. I said, no, I really do think that this is what they're saying. They're being honest. And he, he was arguing with me because they couldn't be because they know our costs and there, there's no way they would want us to go so close with such tight margins, you know, they're good business people.

[00:09:20] So. Um, you know, I, I took his direction and went in there, but, and I, I tell you that because that makes it even more pressure because when you don't fully believe the position that you have to take, there's a little bit, there's a little part of you, at least for me that when you're kind of telling a non truth or you're, you have to position it in a way that you are not fully in, it makes it harder to do because you don't feel like you're being genuine.

[00:09:49] And so that's, it's just a hard. Thing you have to put yourself in the mind of I'm doing this for the company. That was the company position. And so it was the position that we were going to take. So the next day we went and we were meeting with the, the procurement person that we were working with and his boss, who was a very sharp woman.

[00:10:07] Um, and he said, We basically gave our counter was an additional 4 percent and he said, I told you, I, I'm being honest, it's 10%. If you can't do that, we don't have a deal. So I guess we don't have a deal. So we walked away because our side was very clear that we were not going to go that low. And I called back and I tell this story because it was a lot of pressure on me.

[00:10:37] Uh, and the people that were with me, I, I just happened to be the person that was saying the words I was, I was the one that had to, uh, position it for the company. And. The COO just did not want to believe that they were still, he still felt like they were game playing. And I think a lot of it was a little bit of his ego because he was, he was wrong.

[00:10:59] Um, in that, that was their position. They weren't going to, he may have been right. They shouldn't have taken such a margin, but in his mind, they were wrong. We're still kind of like not being fair and they, I could see it in their eyes. And I'm the person I was with too, said, yep, they were really firm on their position.

[00:11:18] So RCO got really mad. He wanted us to stay for the weekend. He wanted us to follow them in the train. He was saying that we need to stay outside of 30 rock and basically, you know, do whatever we could to, Basically, you know, kind of beg them to let us stay in it. And there does, there does, there does come a time where, you know, if we go, it went back one more time, we either have to do it with our tail between our legs.

[00:11:47] Or, and say, we were wrong. We'll take your offer. And that's definitely a choice. They didn't want us to say that he wanted us to still keep a position that we would still make some money on it. We wouldn't go to their 10%. So long story short, we didn't chase them. We didn't stay there, but his pressure, our pressure, all of it just allowed us.

[00:12:11] It was almost like we got. In a mind think way that just transposing what they had said and trying to articulate that back home and the nonverbals and whether we believe them. It was really, really hard and pressure. Definitely got everybody in a different. Perspective, we weren't thinking clearly, like having somebody say that they wanted us to chase them down.

[00:12:37] That was definitely not something you normally would do in business. Uh, so pressure really in that situation showed up. In a lot of different levels in a lot of different ways, and it really taught me that that clear communication positioning back to the home office in terms of what they said, and being able to really help them see a clear picture.

[00:12:59] When I look back on that. Example, I think, was I really clear when we communicated back what their position was, because maybe in the way I had related to that CEO, he missed something and didn't realize that if we wanted the deal, we would have to go to that number. So pressure shows up and when you're in it, it's so difficult to really be able to, you Think clearly.

[00:13:27] It really comes down to that research. Um, I'm sure we've all seen it. I, when you think about a high pressure situation you've been in and where your focus goes, they say that when you're under pressure, you focus on things that may not be pertinent to the conversation, like distractions. Like if, if all of a sudden your attention goes somewhere else that takes away from the focus on where you should be.

[00:13:52] And when you're stressed, that often happens. So What example do you have, I'm sure in your day to day, you can think of maybe it's a person that unexpectedly challenged you on an assumption that you were pretty firm on, or that you thought was pretty clear. And, and even getting just that challenge made you want to defend it harder than you even believed it yourself.

[00:14:16] We've all been there in that kind of situation. So thinking and being clear in a situation where you feel it. That's the first step to being like, okay, I need to zoom out. I need to get some objectivity. What can I do to see this differently? Or even taking a break, moving through pressure and going into autopilot isn't always the best way to maneuver.

[00:14:39] So when we come back, I'll share three tips on what to do when you identify that trigger or something that has suddenly become high stakes for you. And you can feel that pressure happening. So we'll be right back.

[00:14:54] Okay, so a few tips to consider. Number one is really preparation is paramount. Um, in any negotiation, especially high stakes preparation allows you to have more agility in the moment. The more that you prepare the the better equipped. You'll be to manage through more objectively. You can't get rid of all those emotions, but the more you've thought about what are the questions they're going to ask, how, what's important to them, what are the options that I have, what are the options that they have?

[00:15:33] The more you think about that, the less you'll. Have any surprise come to bear that can decrease your ability to react or decrease the tendency to, to react and go into a fight or flight. situation. It allows you to anticipate what might happen. And that's so important so that you can keep yourself calm.

[00:16:02] You can have thought through all the things that you, you are going to do. And even thinking about what are in that example, we should have thought about what if they stand their position? What if they come down a little bit and they want us to Um, compromise and being able to even go to the end and anticipate what are some of those barriers and what are some of our solutions to those.

[00:16:29] That way in the moment you don't get just a no and you walk away. So prepare is key and so important to keep you objective for our second tip. The second tip is when you feel those emotions coming on. And so even preparing for those is key. But when you feel that. being able to identify it and saying, all right, to yourself, I feel triggered right now.

[00:16:58] I can see they're putting pressure on me. They're talking about timing, timing. I know I have to go back and get some additional information. So thinking in your head around and being able to identify, all right, I'm triggered. And even being able to say, if that happens to me, I may need to take a break. Um, I may need to get my composure.

[00:17:22] What are you going to do? So the second tip is really to identify that you're in a state of pressure so that you can make another choice. Because the third tip is the tactical pause. So when you've identified that in the moment, That you are triggered or there's pressure being put on you, even to say to yourself, okay, that condition just changed.

[00:17:47] They just put something else on the table. That is applying a different parameter like timing. Like another piece of, of the deal that you hadn't anticipated that they threw out you. That was a surprise. So taking a tactical pause, because when we go into autopilot, we might want to just get out. We may just get nervous and not have a strong position anymore because we're not able to make that position anymore.

[00:18:21] So taking a pause, even taking a note, like literally writing down a note, even if it looks like you're, you're taking a note and it might just be your way of saying to yourself, how do I get some composure? What do I need to ask for next? Even thinking, should I take a break? And if a saying that was unexpected for me, I need some time to, to think, to think this through so that I can help us come to an end that will work.

[00:18:48] So the three R is prep. Prep is essential, looking at it from all angles. The more you can do, um, the more, uh, agility you can practice in the moment. The second is. To identify when the pressure is felt, whether it's a feeling in your body, whether you can just feel that tension coming and you start to get cloudy, identifying that.

[00:19:17] So you can make a shift to the 3rd. Practicing tactical silence, taking a moment for yourself, deciding what you need to do, taking that pause so that you don't negotiate a bad deal because you're just like fight or flight, get in, make bad decisions and maybe not get a good deal or you just leave before you're ready.

[00:19:41] Are you, you've gone through all of the iterations that you needed to. So, so important to be thoughtful around these situations. And even when it's a low stakes situation that takes a turn that suddenly becomes high stakes, having these, I, uh, uh, these, these. Habits, these things that you click into to say, all right, here it is.

[00:20:08] It's high pressure. I need to identify it's high pressure. What am I going to do? Even starting with tip two and three in the moment. If you need to, it's a lot pressure is hard. So I want you to think about. So what are you going to put into place? What are you going to do differently that you haven't been doing when you face a high pressure situation?

[00:20:31] What has been your tendency? Do you go in and fight or do you get out as quick as you can? What do you need to shift so that you can get yourself to stick into it longer when you need to? So when we come back, we'll talk about what are you going to commit to? What are you going to stop, start, or continue?

[00:20:48] All right. This is where it happens. This is where the rubber hits the road as an executive coach. I talk all the time to my clients about, it's not just understanding these concepts. It's like it is putting them in practice. So stop, start and continue is such a great framework to think about And force yourself to think about what you will stop, start, and continue as it relates to being in situations of pressure.

[00:21:15] And the first thing that I was laughing at myself around is I wanted to just stop being in those situations and yeah, that, that would be great. Right. It would be great if we just didn't have that, uh, thing, but I, it made me realize that sometimes I create a pressure field situation by, um, procrastinating in preparing for something.

[00:21:38] So I'm going to stop. I think that if I can stop procrastinating on something that for me, an engagement that makes me nervous and it becomes so much higher pressure if I don't give myself enough time, To get ready for it. So I'm going to stop doing that. I'm applying my own valve that inserts pressure.

[00:22:00] So not good. I'm going to stop doing that. What are you going to stop doing? What I'm going to start doing is in the moments when I talked about that last tip about what do you need to do that pause? I'm going to start using that more and giving myself permission to make adjustments in the moment. If I feel triggered and I feel like I'm not clearly thinking, do I need to get out of it?

[00:22:24] Do I need to give myself more time? I, as an extrovert often want to troubleshoot out loud with the other person, and that's not always the best solution. So I'm going to start really being mindful about how do I maneuver. In the right way, and then continue preparation is key. And the more you can think about, and I would just, if the higher the stakes, something is the more time you should spend really preparing, thinking about how even, uh, how am I going to handle the pressure?

[00:22:57] Am I going to feel the pressure in the moment? Even anticipating those things can help you self identify and say, okay. that here it is. I knew it was going to be pressure filled. Doesn't mean I get a run. It means I'm going to move through. So what are you going to continue doing? What have you been doing while that you need to continue to really challenge yourself?

[00:23:17] How are you going to change tomorrow? What you're doing to face these pressure filled problems. Situations that we face all the time. So I appreciate that you were here. I know that when you needed to hear one of these tips, I just, they're you're here for a reason. So if you want to learn more about me or reach out, I'd love to hear from you.

[00:23:38] What is your example or what do you want me to cover in this, this podcast? Just go to negotiation love. com. Love to hear from you. I'd love to hear what your takeaway is. What is your aha? Thanks to those who do that. Uh, so. Remember negotiation is more than skill to mindset. And until next time, I'll see you then.

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Susie Tomenchok

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