How to Get What You Want

Mirroring: A Silent Negotiation Tactic!

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 90

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Unlock the door to building trust and rapport in your professional interactions! Let's delve into the subtle yet transformative negotiation tactic of mirroring that goes beyond mere imitation. By aligning gestures, language, and energy with those across the table, we can foster a deeper connection that paves the way for successful outcomes. From personal experiences to the wisdom of industry professionals, we'll explore how this strategic approach can be your secret weapon in not only negotiating but also in amplifying your leadership potential.

In this episode, we'll cover:
1. Mirroring as a negotiation strategy: observing and matching behaviors.
2. Tips for effectively using mirroring in negotiations.
3. How mirroring can build rapport, trust, and psychological safety.

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Susie:

Do you want to know how people win negotiations without even saying a word? You're not going to want to miss this one. Stay right here. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hey, I'm so glad you made the decision to be here today, and this is a good one.

Susie:

I feel like some of the topics I talk about I get so excited about and you may think, oh, she's just such a negotiation nerd. But this one is super interesting to me and I want to tell you about the concept, share some stories, make you think about it, but I want you to try it but also observe it around you. And this is all about mirroring, and you may or may not have heard. One strategy in negotiation that's very successful is mirroring, meaning doing what somebody else is doing, like if somebody uses hand gestures, also using similar hand gestures, it's language. If it's somebody that uses strong language, meaning confident language, anything that is similar to what they do, and even energy level. I noticed that for me as an extrovert, when I'm speaking in front of a room of introverts, I have to adjust my perspective a little bit, because their energy level can be really different than mine and that can feel to me like they're disengaged, but they're probably more engaged than I realize because I don't recognize their energy because it's so different than mine. So mirroring can be such an effective tool in negotiations and there's research that backs it too.

Susie:

The one example I had a friend who is an attorney. She works in the courtroom a lot and so she talks about things that she does. She worked in oil and gas for many, many years and she's a petite woman. And she said that she does. She worked in oil and gas for many, many years and she's a petite woman and she said that she often went against people that were just big personalities that took up a lot of room. And so she said she would especially when she didn't have a lot of leverage, really spread out and take up space and be really different than she usually is. She usually would be very tidy and have all her things in a row, but she would show up really differently and she found power in that and she watched and observed how people change when they noticed that so mirroring.

Susie:

Ever since I heard her say that I really have thought a lot about this whole mirroring concept. And when I said to observe it, see how it feels to be around somebody that doesn't do it and that doesn't do it like you do it, like when you notice that you're not connecting with somebody that you're one-on-one with or you're not able to build a relationship as fast, notice maybe your personality is so different than theirs that changing that or adjusting that or maybe it will just take more time to do this mirroring thing. The research shows. I looked at research from Harvard and Cornell and they talked about all these different types of mirroring, meaning the physical aspect, the words, the energy. It builds psychological safety, it builds rapport quickly and that which means that you're building trust because that person is feeling something familiar and you may feel like it's not authentic. But I like to think about mirroring in that it gives me courage sometimes Because when I think, when I'm nervous about going into a conversation or a negotiation or a difficult conversation, I think about what that other person is going to be like and what it's going to feel like to be in front of them.

Susie:

And especially I love it when I'm in front of somebody that has a very big presence or has that is really smart and uses, from my perspective, big words. You know, in a way Sometimes I can actually draft off of that and start to feel what they kind of get their vibe, which brings me confidence, to kind of show up like them Instead of the filter through the insecure Susie. I look at it from their perspective and it can help me gain composure, confidence and a presence. So think about mirroring and watching the mirroring. Look at the physical aspects, the word choice, physical aspects, the word choice, even the pacing that somebody takes. I tend to talk to think where I wish I was more like somebody that could think before they talk. But that pacing between me and somebody that's different than me is going to feel really different. So changing that up is going to feel more familiar to them. This is such a great topic you can tell that I get a lot of energy from it.

Susie:

I'm going to tell you a couple stories. When we come back I'll share with you some ways that I've seen it show up for me and work effectively, so that you can start imagining that for you. So we'll be right back. Hey, suzy, here, thought I'd pop in. I wanted to let you know I've been an executive coach for over a decade. I work with executives and they call me their silent partner because I help them increase their confidence when they're facing really difficult decisions. If you'd like to see if we're a good fit, head over to susietomachuckcom and fill out an application. Dot com, and fill out an application. I'd love to hear from you. All right, so we're back.

Susie:

I had so many examples of mirroring and how it really worked for me, and the first story I want to tell you is about I'm laughing at myself because I think about this was how I used to show up and I didn't even realize that I was doing mirroring, but it gave me the confidence that I needed to work through a negotiation. So I had a client his name was Bill and he was a very shrewd negotiator. He was somebody that I will say, somebody that I will say if a negative tactic would work in his favor, like making somebody nervous or humiliating them, he would use it. If it would give him leverage, he would use anything. He was all about the game and getting what he wanted and he did so many different interesting things that I would never do.

Susie:

But he made me really nervous because I saw that in action and so whenever I had to, I had to negotiate with him regularly because he represented actually he was a consultant that represented many of our clients. So I found they used him, of course, to be the person that went to the negotiation table, and so I often when we we would do big contracts but between those big contracts we'd still be negotiating little deals of integrating different things into the broadcast signal. So there were a lot of things that we needed to negotiate on a regular basis and there was technology involved and so I got really nervous because a little bit technology involved. And so I got really nervous because, a little bit, he knew a lot more than me from a tech technical perspective and I knew he was very savvy and knew all of the business pieces that had to do with costs and everything. So that kind of lays the groundwork of why it was a little bit unsettling when I would negotiate with him.

Susie:

So what I would do is the days that I would have to negotiate with him, I would come to the office with a very specific suit and I called it my power suit and it was funny to me because there would be times that I'd have to negotiate with him one day after another, and so I would wear the same, just an adaptation of that suit, and for me that was mirroring him, because that was me being a negotiator and I saw him as a negotiator. So looking back at that I realized what that did, was it brought my confidence. It gave me kind of this uniform, this costume, if you will, that helped me really show up in a way that looked like him, because little Susie, the insecure, doubtful, not confident person that lived inside me, needed to find a way to find the confidence and so showing up like him and that made me more confident, which made me say my statements a little bit stronger, and it may have felt like in my head like, oh my gosh, susie, that was so bold of you to say it like that, but I was taking some of his language that he was using or had learned from him over time, and I was using it to him and to him. He didn't recognize it as little Susie taking on these big words. He saw it as Susie was a negotiator and so it ended up being. He asked for me to be the person that he negotiated with because we had built a really good rapport and it's kind of ironic to me. It helped me learn because it put me on the playing field regularly and with a really difficult opponent, and it taught me along the way to be really strong to use what he does. And that's why I said notice this in your everyday. I love this concept of being in a meeting and looking over at a senior leader or a peer of yours that you have a lot of respect for, maybe who is just ahead of you in your career, and watching what they do and starting to mimic what they do or their words or how they do it until it feels more comfortable to you. I think this mirroring idea is such a great concept when you're working with somebody and mirroring them but also looking at what works for others, because just that idea that it doesn't feel it feels foreign to us from behind our eyes, but in front of us it doesn't feel that way.

Susie:

The other example of this for me was working professionally. I, if you followed me at all, you know that I had a challenging peer that challenged me a lot, dan and I often would just kind of go to battle with him. He would always be asking for things like he asked that I work for him because my results and my team's results were so good that he knew the benefit of having somebody on his team that already had great results would make him look good. He did a lot of things that were really outside of what I thought were kind of the normal I'm using air quotes, the rules of corporate engagement and he really went outside the box as it relates to that. And I learned a lot from Dan and although he was challenging to me, I give him a lot of credit for teaching me so much that now I have this wealth of knowledge I can share with others, because he challenged me a lot and I remember the mirroring specifically for him.

Susie:

As he was challenging me, I didn't back down and I challenged just like he did. And so when we were, I had to shift that because I had a lot of like positive I don't want to say he was negative, but I had to shift that because I had a lot of positive. I don't want to say he was negative, but I had a lot of energy when I would go into conversations and Dan tended to be a lot more quiet, practice silence and so when I would go and work with Dan about something that was important to me, I would be really nervous, which just elevated my energy and my pace, and I would go so fast and what I learned to do was, instead of being in my head, I would look at Dan and watch his pacing and I would switch to his pacing and then, when he would pause and use silence, I would do that too. And so the mirroring became something that took my focus and it took me outside of my nerves. It took me outside of myself to kind of watch and it was effective. It gave to him a little bit more. We actually ended up building a great relationship and rapport, but it took a really long time and I think part of it was spending time together and matching that.

Susie:

Mirroring is really effective for that connection with the other person, but it's also a way to challenge ourselves to show up differently, to be observant on how other people show up and take their best practices, watch what people do and say, oh, I want to use that. That's a great idea from a leadership perspective, from a negotiation perspective. Be the best observer of all the situations that you have an opportunity to be somebody that's watching in those moments. So mirroring is something that is so powerful for so many ways at the negotiation table and as you grow as a professional. So when we come back, I'm going to give you three tips to start thinking about mirroring and how you can use it in your everyday. We'll we come back, I'm going to give you three tips to start thinking about mirroring and how you can use it in your everyday. We'll be right back.

Susie:

Hey, suzy, here. I thought I'd pop in. You know, when I was a little girl, I always thought I wanted to be on the stage. I thought I might be holding a microphone and singing, but I'm now on the stage a lot and I love it because it's not about me and that experience. I love to move people, give them an impactful message that really makes them feel confident so that they change their actions. If you know somebody in your network internally that hires speakers, I would love a warm introduction. Just send them to suzytomachukcom speaker page. I would be so grateful. All right, so let's go through our tips.

Susie:

So the first tip is don't mimic them and I'm laughing because I think about that old game where you repeat the other person and you say what they say and it becomes annoying. You don't want to do that. When we think about mirroring, it's not like they lift up their right hand. You lift up their right hand and you are kind of a mime in a mirror. You don't want to do that. You want to be more subtle and it's about looking at what they do and changing that experience, meaning like, if they have low energy, just taking it down if you have high energy, if they have high energy and you have low energy, how can you lift that up a little? If they use hand gestures, it's more of a general thing, thinking about using those things and showing up a little bit differently. You know, one time I use hand gestures and I talk with myone and I was thinking that I was connecting by going yeah, yeah, yeah, and he stopped and he threw his hands down and said what is all this? Uh-huh, uh-huh, are you agreeing to me? And I realized that he doesn't talk with his hands and he doesn't use a lot of nonverbals and so that was really distracting to him, to him.

Susie:

So be careful, be subtle, but be observant of the other person. It makes you really present in the moment too, and having that presence by noticing that is felt by the other person. That helps them feel seen and heard. So just by thinking about it and drawing your attention to this is going to help you build that relationship with the other side. So that's the first one be subtle. So the second tip that I want you to think about is to anticipate that person.

Susie:

If you know them well, think about their word choice or how they handle themselves, especially when you're facing a high stakes situation with them. If you need to find confidence in saying something with a lot of authority, if you're saying something that makes you really nervous, that you're asking for something that feels a little bit out of your grasp and so you feel a little bit insecure to say it. Think about how they would say it and use their language. And if they practice silence, silence shows confidence. So insert those things and here, practice your voice or what you're going to say when it's high stakes. You really want to have practice exactly how you want to frame your ask. Think about it from their perspective. Choose words that are strong, like they would use, and even and practice it out loud so that in the moment doesn't feel uncomfortable to you You've heard it before because those words are not going to feel uncomfortable to them. They're going to feel like it's their vocabulary, it's their language. You're not trying to select the exact words, but do it like they would do it.

Susie:

I love using this because seeing yourself through other people's eyes helps you have the confidence to say it in a different way that might feel uncomfortable to you, but then, as you do it more and more, you build that muscle, you build that understanding, and what happens is you yourself hear it, you hear yourself say it and then that brings up your confidence in the value that you bring. So that's why I love this mirroring. I think it provides such an unusual well, I shouldn't say unusual a different way to look at professional development is seeing yourself through other people's eyes. So that's tip number two. All right, so my tip three is one that's a little bit like I can see it on both sides and this one is don't mirror negativity. We are doing this to raise your confidence, to think about your value and see it from another person's perspective and also to be like them. So they feel this familiarity, also to be like them, so they feel this familiarity being negative, and doing that in a negative way, to kind of accentuate their negativity, is not a great way to use mirroring. And the only like note I would put here is if you are a leader and you do notice that there is a negative way that a person approaches something, this wouldn't be mirroring. But maybe you can illustrate it to them by showing them what it feels like to be on the other side of the table. That would be the only thing. But that's not really mirroring. That's looking at an example of what somebody does to illustrate it in a different way. But I'd be careful when you're thinking about mirroring, not to accentuate something that's negative on the other side of the table.

Susie:

Be thoughtful about what you use. You want to keep and retain who you are and how you want to show up and you want to take kind of the best of what other people are doing and mirroring that aspect. So keep it positive. So the three tips be subtle. This is an art, so try it and really start small and be thinking about it and be observant to it.

Susie:

The second one is to think about channeling that other person. What can you take from the other person to increase your confidence? And you can practice that. Be thinking about how they would show up so that you can show up in that way, so that you can be stronger in whatever you're doing. And the third one is don't do negative. Don't accentuate or mirror things that are negative. Keep it positive and be really thoughtful about that. All right, you know what's next. Stop, start and continue is my favorite way to think about how to put this in practice. We can talk about this content all day long, but you need to think about how are you going to practice? We can talk about this content all day long, but you need to think about how are you going to apply it for you. So when we get back we'll do our stop, start, continue.

James:

Oh, I got it. Hey everybody, I'm James. I'm Susie's co-host on her other podcast, quick Take. If you're enjoying this podcast, you're going to love our podcast Quick Take even better, mostly because, well, I'm there, which is infinitely more entertaining. But hey, you'll love it if you join us.

Susie:

Please subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. We're to the most important aspect, the thing that you have to use to put this in place Stop, start and continue. So, as I was thinking about this because I always have to kind of prep for this and really think about, what am I going to challenge myself to do? So what am I going to stop doing? All right, I have to admit I use negative mirroring sometimes, especially with people that I'm closest to that. I can be a little bit off script and a little scrappy. I will mimic them. I shouldn't laugh. I mimic them when I'm frustrated and angry, to show why, and so I need to stop doing that. That's not a great way of using this. It doesn't help. It only exasperates the conversation. So I'm going to stop looking at and mirroring the negative aspect of the other person that's in front of me. Hadn't really thought about that before. That's a challenge. What are you going to stop doing? Stop this right now and say out loud what you're going to stop doing. That took a lot of courage for me. Okay, what am I going to start doing? I haven't practiced this, I haven't done any recent negotiations, and so I have kind of lost practice on this mirroring. So I'm going to be intentional. I'm going to start when I know I'm walking into a conversation that's going to be a challenge. I'm going to use this as the prep aspect of moving into it and think about how can I apply mirroring in the situation, whether it's something I have to prepare for, to think about how they're going to show up, or just be really mindful in the conversation. To keep this top of mind. What do I need to do to shift? And then my continue. So what are you going to start doing? I should ask you what are you going to start doing? And please email me, tell me what you start doing, how you use mirroring. What did you start doing that was really effective? And then what am I going to continue doing when I'm aware of this? I'm really good at in the moment using this as an effective tool to really connect with the person in front of me, to be thoughtful about the word choice that they use. I have a really good friend who's a teacher that has such a command of the English language and she uses such great words and I noticed that I become a better articulator when I'm around her and I love that. So I love that idea of shifting in the moment, whether it's pacing, energy or words. So that's what I'm going to continue doing. So what are you proud of yourself for that you're going to continue to do in the aspect of mirroring, have been connectors together, just in general in humanity, for so long.

Susie:

I think we naturally put in place mirroring to some aspects. We start to, you know, when we're around people, we start to take on some of their habits and do some of the things that they do. So I think mirroring in a lot of ways is something that is innate to who we are. So, thinking about this in an intentional way and how can you leverage it for you as a leader, as a peer, as a partner, as a parent? It helps us to be really thoughtful in those moments and be tuned in to the person that's in front of us. And when you're in a high stakes situation, and especially somebody that you don't know, think about this. This is such a great way, especially somebody you don't know, to watch them in those first moments, to make sure that you're thinking about oh, they pause a lot, they need time to think and then allow more space, maybe when you first meet them and they give you a big hug and they're asking all about you, you realize they have high energy and you realize I better show up with high energy. And when they're bold about getting together again or what their ask is getting together again or what their ask is allow that to bring out of you the same level of confidence. So use mirroring, especially in new conversations with new people that you're building rapport, as a way to make that connection. Remember the research says that it builds trust, it increases psychological safety and that leads to long-term great relationships. I would love to hear how you're putting mirroring in place, how it's working for you. If you want to connect with me, go to negotiationlovecom. I'd love to hear from you and remember negotiation is more than a skill, it's a mindset. So go adopt a negotiator mindset and until next time I'll see you then.

Susie:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute it's an easy read, where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset, so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you wanna read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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