How to Get What You Want

Positive vs negative mindset in negotiations

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 89

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Ever wondered how your mindset affects the outcome of your negotiations? In this episode, we dive into the power of a positive mindset. By examining the contrast between positive and negative outlooks, we uncover how focusing on potential benefits rather than risks can significantly enhance negotiation outcomes.

Drawing from research studies and personal anecdotes, I illustrate how a positive mindset fosters confidence, creativity, and collaboration, leading to more successful and satisfying results. With practical tips and real-life examples, I'm offering you actionable strategies to apply this mindset shift in your own high-stakes conversations. Join me to explore how adopting a negotiator's mindset can unlock new opportunities and improve your negotiation skills.

In this episode, we'll cover:
1. The impact of mindset on negotiation outcomes.
2. Practical tips for developing a positive negotiation mindset.
3. The importance of intentionality and preparation.

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Speaker 1:

Shifting your mindset in this one way will make a difference in any negotiation or situation that you're facing. Stay with me so you can hear more. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk. The Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk.

Speaker 1:

It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hi, friends, I am so glad that you made the choice to be here today and learn another way that you can shift your mindset, in adopting a negotiator mindset, and today that's exactly what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about the mindset that you need to have when you go into the room, and when I say the room, I mean a negotiation, I mean a difficult conversation, a discussion that you have been putting off. All of these situations are high stakes for you, and high stakes, as you know, if you listen to me at all, that high stakes is defined by what is something that you are avoiding, that makes you nervous, that instills emotion and even like you're avoiding.

Speaker 1:

And so the research around mindset and going into negotiation. So what I'm talking about here is positive versus negative mindset, and I started reading about this research study that was done, and they wanted to see what the direct effects would be if two groups had the exact same negotiation scenario, but one of them looked at it from a positive side and the other looked at it from a negative side. One of them looked at it from a positive side and the other looked at it from a negative side, and do you know what they found? Well, the one group would. They'd have this very sophisticated negotiation scenario that they were all following, and the one group would look at all the positives before they went in, all of the upside if they got the deal, all of the benefits to them, to their company, all of the takeaways that would be positive for their side and the other side. They looked at all the risks, all the things that if they don't get the deal, that will be the detrimental effect to the company, to themselves. And so just that focus right before they went in. One looking at, they'd both studied exactly the same, but one looking at the upside and the other groups looking at the downside. And time after time what they found was the people that looked at the upside and the positive, they had a very specific goal that they were going to and they would always get it or exceed it and most of the time exceed it. And the ones that looked at the negative would get to the goal because that was the specific thing they needed to do, but they would barely get there and they would never go over it.

Speaker 1:

So what they surmised from this research is that when you have a positive mindset and you look at what are the positives of the situation, what it does is it releases. It's that scarcity mindset. It gives you that abundance mindset. It makes you think about having confidence. It gives you a stronger word association, so you tend to use more confident words. It keeps you objective because you're not worried about what could be. You're looking at what is going to be so positive. I think about this a lot because when you have a negative, let's look at the other side. When you have a negative mindset or a scarcity mindset, you're so focused on the deal that you are not able to expand your creativity. You're not illustrating to the other side that you're open to anything because you're so afraid. So they're more likely when they feel like the other side is not being open, they're more likely to pull back as well. So if you have a positive mindset, it's helping you, giving you confidence, having clarity, feeling really good, and so what that does is that actually transcends to the other side as well. And when you are a good negotiator or you are a relationship negotiator, what you are doing is you're helping the other side see that you want them to feel good too, so that opens. When you are a collaborator and you show that you're willing to be creative and think outside the box, it welcomes the other side to do that too, because they don't feel like you're trying to one up them or take advantage of them. So this positive versus negative mindset is key and when you think about using it in any high stakes situation you go into, and just making that shift right before you go in is key to ensuring that you are walking in with the right state of mind.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to talk more about this. I'm going to illustrate it through a couple of stories that were they're mine, through my career, both on the negotiation side and as a professional, in many roles that I've had. So when we come back, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to illustrate this point in some real life stories and get you thinking about how this can be used in your day-to-day. So we'll be right back. I just want to jump in and let you know I wrote a book. It's the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation. It's really a book about my experiences the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it and how I learned with confidence to advocate for myself and move through negotiation in my everyday life, at home and at work. If you'd like to grab a copy, go to suzytomichukcom. You can get it there and I'd love if you did All right. So I can remember so many times that a negative mindset got in my way and how a positive mindset really unlocked some opportunities.

Speaker 1:

And the first one is about a negotiation. I remember we were negotiating with a big media company three letters movie company still in existence, and we were working with a really tough negotiator on the other side. In fact, she not only was a lawyer, she was just so good at her game in the business side. She had a lot of resources on her side to help her and she had a lot of leverage because this programmer had a lot of weight, because they had a ton of great content. So she definitely used that to her advantage. And I remember she would give these really, really difficult asks, asks that were things that we just couldn't do, like out of our control, and one of them was getting the downlink or the content out of the country. Downlink or the content out of the country and then us being responsible for who can consume that, and we had no reach into that. It was technologically and operationally impossible. So when we go into negotiations with her, we were so careful to always be on our game and never like we always thought about every word we said, and so time after time it was exhausting. We would leave the negotiation table not really have made any progress over an hour and so moving that negotiation forward because this woman was so hard to work with and so we would go in with this mindset of we got to make sure that she doesn't get something. We never thought about the benefit of us going in there.

Speaker 1:

So one week I was going to be in New York, where she's based, and I said you know what? I'm going to take this call. And this was before. The virtual was a big deal, so doing a conference call was literally audio only. So it was definitely a different day and I went into the office and I said you know, I want to go in and really frame the conversation in a positive way and get us to think about it more holistically on both sides. So I went, I spent some time with her, I had lunch with her and I, before I walked in, thought about all the things that we could benefit from if we got this deal. And making that connection with her, framing the goal and getting my mindset right, opened up hers as well, and it allowed her to hear us better. It was like amazing to me to think that that tweak could really make a difference, because before then I really understand it now and it's not that far of a stretch for me to imagine. But back then I remember being like, oh my gosh, that blew my mind, that shifting my mindset could make such a huge impact.

Speaker 1:

All right, so this second example was with a client of mine the other day. She had contacted me because she has been in this conversation with her peer for months and months and months. And it's not just one conversation, but it's the relationship with her peer. And she was so frustrated because this peer will say to her from time to time you know, I really want to work together, I want us to make sure we're a partner, but when it comes right down to it, she's really difficult to work with. When my client is trying to move forward a project and she becomes almost not rational around what her responsibility is in it, she just puts up roadblocks. So my client said I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm trying so hard. I set up proactive conversations with her so that we can build a relationship and every time nothing ever happens.

Speaker 1:

So I asked her to tell me kind of what does the dialogue look like? Walk me through what this very casual conversation looks like. What this very casual conversation looks like. So my client is a very person, person, person meaning she really likes to connect to people at a human level and I think that's great. But you gotta remember that not everybody feels that way when you're in a work environment. They don't need that space and time to make a connection.

Speaker 1:

So my client was saying, well, I first go in and I say hey, how are you, what's going on with you, how are things going in general? And I could tell by the way she said it that, while it was really intended that she did want to get to know her, you could tell by what she was saying the other person was reacting to it, kind of put that person off and then, even though she was going into it with this quote unquote, positive mindset really in the back of my client's mind, she was really thinking in a negative way, like she was anticipating it was gonna go the same way that it always did. She was gonna act nice, but she was gonna continue to put up roadblocks. So I said, instead of moving into it and trying to build a relationship, why don't you just go right into the business objectives and the goals of getting together and let her start, see how she frames the conversation and let the past go. Don't assume it's going to be a negative. Go in and assume that this is going to go a different way. Assume she's a different person.

Speaker 1:

So my client said she went in, did that, didn't try to make that connection, said and stated that this is the business outcomes that she wanted in the conversation and she said it was really amazing how that shifted the conversation. And I think what happened was while my client was thinking that making that connection would take down the other person's barriers, because she still had a scarcity mindset, a negative mindset. She wasn't convincing the other person. I think that shift from negative to positive has to be genuine. You have to believe or really focus on the upside. What if we had a great conversation? How would our future look? And I think that when my client did that, she was able of reciprocity shows that other person that they can open up to and that's one signal to you that you can continue to be open and open and open. But starting out with a positive mindset really sets the tone for you and the other side, it makes a difference.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to talk about three tips that you can use to start putting this into practice in a high stakes situation that's coming up for you this week. So stay right there, hi Suzy, here. One of the things that I love is I facilitate team conversations, whether it's talking about high stakes, how to advocate for one another. So if you're a leader and you want to bring your team together, you want to level them up, help them really bond together and increase their confidence as a whole, contact me, go to suzytomachukcom, tell me a little bit about your team and I'll be in touch.

Speaker 1:

All right, so the first tip is about framing, and framing is super important, and it's not just framing it to the person when you first walk in and helping them understand where you want to get in the discussion and your goals, but framing starts for yourself. Before you walk in, think about the frame for yourself. What are you going to say to really set up the conversation to be really positive? And this is critical to think about, because when we're looking at or focused on what could go wrong, we tend to start with those things, so leave them out. Look at how you're going to walk in and say to the other person hey, listen, I know we've talked about this before, or I know that we've approached this same goal together a few times. I've been really thinking about how can we do this in a way that's going to be a positive outcome for both of us. So I want to take a totally different view and work through this together. Are you open to that? That's just an example of how you could frame it up to help that person know you've put a lot of thought into this. The relationship is important and you want to make sure that they understand that, yes, you have your own business, your own interests in mind, but you also want to see that they're happy too. So doing that and shifting that and making it a point to say it helps them understand that you are working on investing in the relationship, the situation, so that it's not just self-serving. So framing is the first tip.

Speaker 1:

All right, so tip number two is about focusing on the positive side, thinking about the abundance. It makes a difference for you when you look at what are all the positive things that will come out of a great discussion. It's around that research of looking at the upside versus the downside and when we especially if it's somebody with history or something that's high stakes for us we tend to look at what could go wrong. What if I forget what I want to say? What if they bring up something that was unexpected? Those are all possibilities, things that you should prepare for.

Speaker 1:

But, going in, look at the upside of it. Assume that all of the things are going to go well, just so that right when you walk in, you shift your mindset to that positive place. So you look at and what I do is, right before I walk into a situation, when I'm preparing, I intentionally put what are all the good things that I can get out of a great conversation and I read those right before I go in. There's something magical about taking those moments to focus on that and it relaxes me, it gives me confidence and it makes me look at or consider the best possibility of a great outcome is consider the best possibility of a great outcome. So the second is really around that mindset and that focus right before you go in. And the third tip this can be really difficult, especially after we face a high stakes situation or a difficult conversation or somebody that we have history with. Once it's done, you wanna just turn the page and move on, because maybe you were avoiding it, maybe you just were so reluctant to move through it.

Speaker 1:

But celebrating the wins, even if it's not exactly what you got what you wanted, celebrating it and looking back on it will help you continue to practice that abundance mindset. It'll help you learn how to do it. And looking back helps us, to our mind, to really build that skill and that muscle. Because when we look back and we see that it worked for us, that helps us, that gives us the evidence that we need for ourselves to know that it's effective. And we often especially in these days where we're going from meeting to meeting, situation to situation and sometimes we do that just to avoid some things that we don't want to face we don't take the time to be reflective and look back and celebrate that it went well. And look back and celebrate that it went well for yourself to say to yourself I am so happy that you took the time to be really thoughtful, to look at it from the upside. All of those things are factors that will help you get better, and it's good to always look back and reflect. You get better and it's good to always look back and reflect. It makes us better. Making that space is time well spent.

Speaker 1:

So the three tips let me just give them to you one more time. The first one is the frame. Think about how you're going to frame it in the positive. You can get to the negative things in the discussion if they come up, but start with the positive. Help the other person see that as well.

Speaker 1:

The second tip was to look at before you walk in. The things are the upsides of the deal, the benefits of the conversation, what you want, the outcome that you want, and focus on those things, even if it's 30 seconds before you walk in. Make that the last thing you think about 30 seconds before you walk in. Make that the last thing you think about. And then the third is really practicing by looking back, celebrating when it's gone really well, thinking about when you've shifted this mindset and what effect it had. When you continue to try these things, it allows you to get better and better and make these skills just a regular occurrence in how you approach everything. So when we come back, we're going to do our stop, start and continue, and I'm going to really have to think about how I'm going to start applying this. So start thinking about that, because the only way to make this as effective is to think about how you are going to make the commitment to do something different, starting today. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I got in. Hey everybody, I'm James. I'm Susie's co-host on her other podcast, Quick Take. If you're enjoying this podcast, you're going to love our podcast Quick Take even better, Mostly because, well, I'm there, which is infinitely more entertaining. But hey, you'll love it if you join us. Please subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1:

All right, welcome back. You know, as an executive coach, this is the most important aspect. It's putting into practice what you learned today. So this is Stop, start and Continue. And even when I get ready for this section, I have to be thoughtful about what I'm going to think about and what I'm going to commit to. So I want you to not just listen to this. I want you to not just listen to this. I want you to, when I'm done, stop this, pause this and think about how you're going to apply it as well.

Speaker 1:

So the first one is stop, and what I'm going to stop doing is just going from one thing to another, not thinking about what I need to do to get my mindset right to go in. So I'm going to stop just going into something. I'm going to make myself pause. I'm going to start. Well, I just kind of gave it away. I'm going to make space in my calendar for a few minutes before a meeting, especially when I know it's something I need to be real intentional about to give myself time, even just a meeting, especially when I know it's something I need to be real intentional about to give myself time, even just a minute, to review the upside of what I want to talk about. That's what I'm going to start doing is making that space, and then what I'm going to continue doing, you know, for me it's when I talk about these concepts. It makes them more alive for me. So I'm going to continue to really encourage people to practice a positive mindset before you walk into a difficult conversation or a high stakes circumstance that you might be facing. So what are you going to stop, start and continue? Really think about that. What are you going to commit to and especially, what are you going to start integrating on a regular basis and being accountable to that? Don't just listen, do when we start doing actions. It takes us a few times to really put in place a habit. And so what habit are you going to put in place so that you always automatically shift to this positive mindset and you know what's great is when you practice it, when you think about it, when you make that space, it becomes just this automatic. It becomes something that we. It doesn't become a habit that we have to think about. It becomes a ritual that we just do. So, thinking about, how are you going to integrate it for yourself? How are you going to integrate it for yourself. I think that, or I believe that when I talk to my clients and I'm giving them advice, one of the things I always tell them is to make that space before they go in, and it's great to hear the stories of those people.

Speaker 1:

In fact, I had a client who was facing her boss's boss and he had been reluctant about giving in to a certain situation. He wanted the team to approach it a certain way. She knew it was better to approach it a different way and so he was so used to the way that she would approach him. So she tried to do a more positive mindset for herself and to frame it in a way that he knew something had shifted. And she was amazed by how that just that intention for herself it made the conversation. It was successful for her and she really felt like what it did was. It opened up his willingness to be creative, to be more open, because when you're negative or you're going after what you want, it closes our mind down and so it makes people less creative. That's why it's so important in negotiation to think about how are you going to get the other person to begin to collaborate, because the more that you collaborate together, the more you expand the opportunities, you allow both sides to think outside the box, to explore opportunities that by themselves they wouldn't have thought of, but together they come to mind. Such an important practice and even in the moment when you feel like a conversation is going toward a negative vein and it's going in a wrong direction, making that conscious decision to say I need to shift it now. How can I pull it back so that I can make it a more positive thing? Because that opens up our minds to be open to new possibilities.

Speaker 1:

I'd love to hear your stories. I am so empowered and I'm so positively impacted when people reach out to me and tell me how they utilized some of the practices I talk about here. So share your story. I'd love for you to do that. You can go to negotiationlovecom and you can connect with me there. That's a great way to find out more about me. But just to drop me a line, drop me a note, tell me how you're using it and I'll talk about it here as well. And as you go through your day, I want you to remember that negotiation is more than a skill, it's a mindset.

Speaker 1:

Until next time, thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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