Leaders with Leverage: Adopting a Negotiator Mindset

The impact of surprise and anger in negotiation

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 84

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Feeling out of your element when emotions run high during negotiations? You're not alone. I'm here to guide you through the turbulent waters of negotiation emotions. Whether it's the jolt of surprise or the heat of anger, understanding these feelings can mean the difference between retreating and achieving your goals. Throughout my own encounters, I've seen firsthand how emotions play a pivotal role at the negotiating table – and I'm ready to share these stories and strategies with you.

Today, I'm handing you the keys to mastering your emotional responses. With practical tips like labeling your emotions, embracing the quiet moments, and thorough preparation, you'll be equipped to handle any curveball thrown your way. Tune in and let's tackle the challenges and triumphs of negotiation together, empowering your career and creating new paths to success.

In this episode, I talk about the following:
1. Importance of recognizing and labeling emotions
2. Strategies to place to manage responses effectively.
3. Preparation and continual improvement.

The Negotiator's Toolbox is now available!
Get $100 off when you use code TOOLBOX at www.negotiationlove.com

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Speaker 1:

Have you ever walked away from a negotiation feeling like you left something on the table? I call it a negotiation hangover, and there are two emotions that might have been at play, for you Want to hear more? Stay right here. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk.

Speaker 1:

It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hi and welcome. I'm so glad you made the choice to be here today, especially today, because we're going to talk about emotions, and when I first heard about the research that I'm going to tell you about today, it was really enlightening to me. It helped me see these emotions in a different way, so when they were coming at me and when I could use them to my benefit. So emotions in general when they get in our way, it clouds our ability to think, it changes our focus from what we want to focus on to something else, and the two emotions that research illustrates that trigger us in a way that makes us retreat are surprise and anger.

Speaker 1:

Now, think about that, think about anger. Let's start with anger first. The research says that when we are in front of somebody that responds in a negative way, like in a way that they're angry, irritated, we want to just get out and get out of there Because we, for whatever reason research shows that that emotion I mean, I can tell you I feel that way when somebody gets aggravated, I just want to leave. And so anger, being able to identify when anger is at play and even be able to identify it, so that you can say to yourself I'm going to sit here, I'm going to label that and I'm going to just let it ride, and trying to listen to the words and not the emotion of the other side sitting while the anger happens. It's a really interesting thing when you think back on different situations and wanting to kind of flee, we have this response mechanism in our brain that makes us fight or flight. I think anger is an emotion that makes us get that sense of I just want to be done. So anger and seeing it in the other side. We always think about the emotions here, but the emotions of the other side trigger us as well, and so seeing those emotional responses that other people have, we're going to see in negotiations because we might really pick up something that somebody feels irritated by. Or sometimes I believe that people learn these defense mechanisms, and I think anger is one of those, and so people have realized when they use, when they kind of click into that emotion, people don't stay, they get what they want, and so they create this habit of like. This emotion works for me, so I'm going to use it more and more. So being aware of that can give you the ability to stay clear or at least have a plan to move through.

Speaker 1:

Now the other emotion is surprise. So anger really made sense to me, but when I thought about surprise. I thought that was really interesting and I can really see it when I think about taking somebody off guard. When there's a question that's asked of you and you were not prepared for it and you immediately, kind of you can get some adrenaline. You could be like, oh my gosh, that's a hard question. How am I going to answer this? That's a piece of surprise or a slice of surprise.

Speaker 1:

Another way of looking at surprise is when somebody says, oh my gosh, wow, that number is way too high, I did not expect it. What the research shows is somebody will retreat right away If you can put surprise in there. That will give you a good sense of where they stand, because when they are up against surprise, they want to kind of take back what they just said. So it goes both ways. It's super interesting to understand how that affects us.

Speaker 1:

Surprise and anger are two things that we really need to be aware of and I'm going to talk to you about it from both sides, whether you are seeing that and being able to label ooh, that's anger or that's surprise and how is that making me feel? And how is that making me feel? And then, when it might work to your benefit? Maybe not anger I don't like to subscribe to that by applying anger but realizing when you do, when those emotions are triggered in you, watching the effect, the outcome that they can have. So when we come back, I'll tell you a few stories that I can think of from my past negotiations that really made me think about these two emotions. Stay right here. Hey there, love this podcast. I'm taking 10 seconds out of this episode to ask you to leave an honest review. More reviews on the show help us to reach more professionals who are ready to lead with leverage. Now let's continue the conversation. All right, welcome back. Let's dig right into it.

Speaker 1:

You know, what's funny about anger is it didn't take me very long to think of a very specific situation, and this was years ago. I was working for a big company and we had had a conversation with a client and we had some follow-up to do, and the follow-up that we had was to give them a price and tell them the service level. And so I had not. I was thinking that our relationship was pretty cozy, that I could just kind of fly by the seat of my pants, and so I hadn't done my homework like I should have and I went to the call just not remembering specifically that I had two of the to-dos the number and the service level and I just jumped into it because this was somebody, this guy that I knew really well and I just figured we could just make it happen. So I jumped on the call.

Speaker 1:

I was with a colleague of mine and this person had somebody else on their side too that I didn't know well and he was obviously under pressure to get the information. So when we started the conversation, he said, well, I need to know what is the price. And I'm like well, listen, listen, jeff, let's talk about this. And I kind of went into framing where I wanted the conversation to go. Well, jeff got angry very quickly and said to me you know, susie, I thought I believed that you were going to have this specific information for me and I am frustrated. I don't even think he labeled it that way, but he just kind of went off the rails. I had actually never seen him in this way. I knew him pretty well. So just seeing this emotion come out of him completely made me go sideways. I had no confidence. I felt horrible. I felt like this was really destroying my relationship with him.

Speaker 1:

I went through so many emotions just in a short amount of time because his anger toward me was very personal. I wasn't prepared for it at all and I'll never forget that because it made such an impression on me. Luckily, I am always prepared for every conversation now and I make sure that I'm very clear on the to-dos. I think it has to do with this exact situation, because anger is that clear. It makes us remember. Listen, I remember that specific situation and I also learned from it. That's the good part of it. But in that moment I didn't have the words. I wasn't able to even gracefully say listen, I understand, I'll get them for you. Give me 15 minutes. I was just kind of blubbering and I didn't handle it well. So, thinking about those emotions and if now I could have said, oh gosh, he's angry I need to make sure that I serve him as quickly as I can, but how do I keep my composure so that I don't fold under that pressure? So, thanks, jeff, he still is an executive at a big media company and thanks to him, he probably doesn't even remember that situation. I have always held on to that. I don't think I want to bring it back up to him though. So that's anger.

Speaker 1:

I think anger is something to be aware of in the moment and have a plan for, or at least be able to label it so that you can identify that. You need to maybe have a pause, but do it in a gracious way for you. One is surprised. I want to turn the table a little bit. This one was really interesting to me and it made me use it more. When somebody gives me a piece of information that I really wasn't expecting and maybe it was the price was really high, that's a good one, so let's just go with that. I remember when I was buying a product and I had no idea the price it was, but it was something I'd seen other people purchase, so I want to be like them. And I was talking to the sales associate and they told me the price and I was like, oh my gosh, wow, wow, I'm really surprised. Now, sometimes it's hard to do that because our ego will make us not want to admit that we didn't know that, but surprise can really help you understand. Does that person have any room to move? And it was really interesting because in this situation it was a retail. So I kind of felt okay, using my surprise in this way and they were able to say right away they go well, I understand it sounds like a big investment, but let me tell you these are the incentives that we have. Let me walk you through all the incentives that we have. I'm not sure if they would have come right out with that at the very beginning, but using that emotion, I could tell they were trying to react quickly to me.

Speaker 1:

Emotions around surprise and anger. I just think it's great to think about our emotions as these little characters, these personas, because it gives us the power to identify what we need to do when we're confronted with them. And, knowing that the research focuses on surprise and anger, I am very, very focused on when I am, those emotions are in front of me and when I can use those too. So when we come back, I'm going to give you some tips that you can use, starting today, when you think about these two emotions anger and surprise We'll be right back. That emotion that they used on me was either anger or surprise. So what that does is, if you can identify that trigger point and label that emotion, then give yourself a second to think about what you're going to do with it Because those two emotions research shows that we do something very quickly in response to it.

Speaker 1:

Making space between that, after you label it, can help you have a better reaction to it. So think about this. You can look for those emotions even when you're not negotiating. Maybe it's a difficult conversation you had to have with somebody, maybe you're just observing a meeting, maybe you're just having a regular dialogue with somebody, but you notice the change in emotion. Start to see it in the wild, in real life, and, even if you don't do anything about it or you're just an observer, start to label those two emotions and see what happens, observe very carefully, okay.

Speaker 1:

So tip number two is, once you've labeled it, take a breath. Once you think especially if you are the one that's responding not if you're observing it, obviously, but if you are faced with fear or surprise take a minute, take a breath, allow yourself to kind of calm down, because these emotions trigger something in us. It means that your body is having a reaction to that emotion. So, taking a breath, even saying to the other person or identifying it in them, especially anger, or identifying it in them, especially anger Say I see that in you, let's take a break. Whatever you need to do to kind of collect yourself again before you move forward. The last thing you want to do is to make a bad decision about the situation you're in, so agreeing to something that you're not ready to or leaving something out that you planned on discussing, because these emotions might trigger this quick response to get out. So you need to identify as quickly as you can what you can do to settle yourself down. Taking a breath is a good way to do it. Allowing yourself some time to think, practice silence. Let there be silence. So, when you've labeled these emotions, especially in the heat of the moment, take time to have a time out for you.

Speaker 1:

And then the final tip, tip three, is about preparation. Part of our preparation and the power is in preparation. The more that we can plan for these emotions, the better prepared we will be in that moment. So go through emotions, even if they don't end up coming up, it's okay. So go through, okay, what is going to happen, what might make them angry, what may surprise them, and think about, maybe, the words that you'll use to frame that up to them, so that you can make sure that emotion on the other side doesn't come up. The more you can prepare, the better, because then when you see it, you can take that moment to identify it.

Speaker 1:

And really the key in any negotiation is to keep the emotion on both sides as calm as you can. So when you see that emotion in the other side, calling it out or asking them if they need some time, you want them to get clear-headed as well. Emotion can kind of take a life of its own on both sides and you don't want to evoke that. You're not trying to get them mad, you're not trying to surprise them. So you want to think about the frame. So prepare for every emotion that could come up for you and the other side. That's one way to be ready for it.

Speaker 1:

So again the three tips. The first one way to be ready for it. So again the three tips. The first one is to label it when you see it, that anger or surprise. The second is, once you've labeled it, what is that way that you're going to settle yourself down, take a breath, practice silence, sit in it for a minute before you decide to move on. Silence, sit in it for a minute before you decide to move on. And the third is to prepare, prepare and say what happens if they get angry or they are surprised, what am I going to do and get ready for that, especially if those emotions are tough for you. So when we come back, we're going to put the pedal to the metal, we're going to put some practice in place and we're going to talk about stop, start and continue. So stay right there, all right. So this is where it's really important. As an executive coach, if you know me at all, it's important to understand concepts, but putting them into practice is where we can really make a difference in applying these without even thinking about it in the future.

Speaker 1:

So this segment is about stop, start and continue. What are you going to do with this information now that you have it? So the first is stop, and I really had to think about what am I going to stop doing? And when I thought about these emotions I think about this in context to a difficult conversation I'm going into or a negotiation I'm going into I am really thoughtful about my approach, but where I don't think about this or apply it as well and I'm going to stop doing this is I get triggered when an emotion comes into play with somebody else that I'm close to, that I care about, and what happens is, when they get angry, I allow that emotion to trigger me, and then it escalates the situation. So I'm going to stop responding. Well, I guess I'm going to stop ignoring it in my personal life so that I can neutralize myself to have a better outcome.

Speaker 1:

What are you going to stop doing? How is emotion around anger or surprise something that you need to stop doing, something that you need to stop doing? So what do you start doing For me? I'm going to start thinking about well, I already identify when those emotions come into play, but I'm going to start calling out that emotion in the moment. Sometimes, when people get angry, I'm good at identifying my own trigger, but I'm going to start calling out that emotion because if it doesn't fit, I don't want it to have impact. So I'm going to start being brave and courageous to say to the other person I sense you're angry, is that true? What can I do? That's going to be hard for me to start doing that, but I'm going to do that. What are you going to start doing? What do you need to do differently?

Speaker 1:

Now that you've thought about these two emotions and then to continue, I, ever since I've heard this research years ago, I've been so thoughtful about these emotions and how I could use them. I love that they were called out because I see them in so many different scenarios with people and when I coach people and we talk about these two emotions, I have proven to myself over and over again that these two emotions are really powerful. So I'm going to continue to identify these, label them and help others see the power that they might not realize they have over them. So what are you going to continue to do? What have you done well with these emotions? When you think about surprise, do you use it well? Do you get triggered by anger? And if not, maybe that's what you'll continue to do. Maybe you're able to neutralize emotion and continue to move forward, and so continuing to do that and helping others do that as a leader is a way that we can really help.

Speaker 1:

I think these emotions are great to look at from a leadership perspective as well. When we are having a conversation with somebody that feels a little uncomfortable for them, what are those responses? When do we see them come out? When we label emotions, even if we don't talk about it with the other person, as a leader, we can identify when somebody is getting, when they're struggling, or you need to spend a little bit more time. Identifying and labeling emotions can be really a strong way to show your leadership by saying to somebody else I sense there's something a little bit more here. Should we take a little bit more time and spend talking about more, about what you need from me? Being a leader and being able to see these emotions is something that will stick with somebody will help them understand how they need to maneuver, how they need to navigate through these things and as you start your leadership or start your professional career especially those young leaders under you those emotions are something that it takes a little bit of time to cultivate, to mature, to really be able to maneuver through. So, as a leader, think about the emotions that are coming up for your team, not only one-on-one, but in team meetings. Maybe think about afterwards what emotions arose for some people in that meeting. Identifying those and circling back can be really helpful to those people as they learn to control those emotions.

Speaker 1:

Gosh, I wish I would have had back in the time when Jeff got really angry with me. If I would have had somebody that could help coach me through that, to help me understand what I needed to take away. That would have been so helpful to me. I'd love to hear what you thought of this and what your takeaways are, so make sure to reach out to me. If you want to connect with me, you can head over to negotiationlovecom. That's where you can find out everything, and I'm so appreciate that you made the choice to be here. Everything, and I'm so appreciate that you made the choice to be here. And don't forget negotiation is more than a skill, it's a mindset. Until next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders with Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday minute. It's an easy read where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset, so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes. And if you want to work with me. There's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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