How to Get What You Want

Art of the ask

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 81

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Unlock the potent strategy that can reshape your negotiations and lead you to triumph—mastering the art of the ask. In this episode, I guide you through the transformative journey of asking questions that do more than just solicit answers; they unravel the core interests of your counterparts and pave the way for innovative solutions.

I'll share how this technique altered the trajectory of pivotal deals, morphing simple conversations into relationship-building opportunities and deal closures. By embracing a negotiator's mindset and deploying purposeful curiosity, you'll learn how to craft questions that go beyond the surface, fostering creativity and possibly leading to more favorable outcomes than you ever anticipated.

In this episode, I talk about the following:
1. Anticipating and understanding the interests of the other party.
2. Practicing silence after asking a question in high-stakes situations.
3. Making it a regular practice to have three questions ready for any high-stakes situation.

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Speaker 1:

It can't be a great negotiator without understanding the art of the ask. It unlocks so much in the power of any negotiation. Want to learn more? Meet me back here right after this.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomonczuk. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You'll be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect All while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high-stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage.

Speaker 1:

I get so excited about this aspect of negotiation the art of the ask and everybody understands what that means, or they think that it's just about how do you perfectly frame what you really want and that is so important to be really clear, to be confident, to practice, to even make sure it makes sense, because sometimes it makes sense in our head but without practicing it in front of somebody else, we might not be as clear as we want to be. But the art of the ask goes beyond how we're going to frame the discussion. It's also the art of asking questions throughout the conversation. And it's so important because when you think about the questions you're going to ask the other person before you go in, it moves you into what are the interests of the other party. It makes you anticipate what they might need and then, when you ask the question, it helps you understand how they're looking at how you framed the ask, how you're viewing yourself in this situation. They're giving you data.

Speaker 1:

So asking questions is so important and it's such a missed thing, especially when we're faced with a high-stake situation where we're really nervous, the last thing we want to do. It's almost like we want to say what we want, say it again, make sure that we're really clear and then get out what is their answer. We just want their answer to the ask. But when you lead with curiosity and you ask some questions, it can do a few things like allow you to get your composure, to get your confidence. It also opens up what they're thinking about or what piece they missed in what you said that you need to explain again.

Speaker 1:

So the art of the ask is about anticipating what you want to say to them, what you want to know, so that you can understand it from their side of the table. What's so important and what's so interesting to me is it's completely missed most of the time, especially when we're faced with something that makes us nervous, and when we do it, it actually unlocks things that that person might not have even considered, because a question, a good question, an open-ended question, can help people think about something. The best question shifts something in them and it might even open up their creativity to give you something that's adjacent to what you need, because they hadn't thought about that before. So the art of the ask is something that I think is needs to be on the top of the list when you're thinking about how you're preparing, how you're getting ready and what, having those questions available so that in the moment you'll remember to go into the questioning once you've stated where you want to go and what you need. You might still be a little unsure about this art of the ask, but I'm going to convince you. I'm going to tell you a few stories about how it worked and it didn't work in life and in true negotiations when we come back hey there, love this podcast. I'm taking 10 seconds out of this episode to ask you to leave an honest review. More reviews on the show help us to reach more professionals who are ready to lead with leverage. Now let's continue the conversation. All right, let's jump right into it.

Speaker 1:

So the art of the ask was something that I learned over time. It was not something that was ever taught to me and I think that's probably why I get really excited about this concept. So one example was in a true negotiation. We had a big deal that was on the table with a potential client and we had been going back and forth with this client and I was on a team of people, which makes it a little bit more complex because you really have to be in sync to make sure that you all know, kind of, what the plan is. So we were in, I would say, the last negotiations and we knew that the price was going to be a sticking point for the client. So we had done a lot of prep around. How are we going to react to different parts of the questions they'd ask? How are we going to convey the value to them? How are we going to help them see it from their perspective of why our solution was worth the money? Because we really did need to land right in this sweet spot of revenue with them, so we needed to convince them that it was worth it.

Speaker 1:

So we were asking questions around that and what came out of that was that it wasn't just money that was important to them. We were wrong, so we needed to really pay attention and listen to what was important, and what we uncovered was that timing had become actually. It wasn't something that they had highlighted early in the conversation, but at that moment the timing became something that was so important to the business. There was something that was going to happen that if they didn't hit a certain date, then it was going to be a negative consequence on their side. So all of a sudden, shifting from the number to we can give you this date, we can deliver these things and really opening up. It was such a huge discovery for me, because what happened was asking the question and really listening to that and being able to react to that. It actually built trust in the moment and it opened up the conversation to be really collaborative. So it allowed us to be solutioning in the moment and it showed us, it showed to them that we would be a partner that would be good for them in the long term, which actually made the number stick. So we got the number and we were able to satisfy their need and it was all I would say. It was really attributed to asking questions that weren't related just to the deal point that we were focused on. So asking questions is really important.

Speaker 1:

As an executive coach, I would say I am a professional when it comes to asking questions, because that's what I do for a living. It's all about asking people questions and making them think, and I can't tell you how many times I'll be in a session, even one-on-one, with somebody, and I won't feel quite having exactly what I needed to ask that other person, but the question that I asked really sparked something in them that they would be like oh, I hadn't really thought about it in this way. That was the solution I was looking for and it wasn't what I had said to them, but it was the question that made them think. So that, to me, is really the power of asking, because when you make people think, it builds that trust in them, it unlocks something for them. So one of the things that I tell people about becoming a good asker is thinking about powerful questions. Powerful questions are seven words or less and making sure that you ask those in a way that will get the other person to think so. Act out of curiosity and get people to think so.

Speaker 1:

One of my clients who's an executive. I actually talked to his boss and she told me he talks too much. He just spent so much time talking, and so I observed him in a couple situations and then had a one-on-one with him, and I did notice that he doesn't ever ask questions. He just listens to. You know these people. They listen and tell you're done talking so they can jump right in and say what they want to say. And so what was happening is people didn't really like interacting with him. He wasn't building good relationships, so he wasn't able to be influential to his peers and he was really making the clients feel like they didn't. He did not understand what they needed.

Speaker 1:

So just working with him to get him to understand that asking a question helps the other party understand that they were heard and that's so important in a negotiation. They actually say that amniverts, which are the difference between introverts and extroverts, are the best negotiators because they illustrate their point and they also listen to understand. So asking questions allows that space for that other person to feel heard. So what I worked with this person to, in his mindset, to do is, while he's listening to the other party, to ask a question and listen and allow there to be space when they're done, and then, instead of thinking about what he was going to say next, I had him think about what question was he going to say next, and it was such a shift for him. He even has emailed me a few times since and said it has made such a difference in terms of his relationships with his colleagues, with the people that work for him and even with his clients. He said he was able to close deals because he was listening, by asking questions and making the other person feel heard. So asking questions is powerful and it really builds relationships, it builds trust and, at the end of the day, those are two important components in any negotiation, which is any scenario, any difficult conversation, any situation that you're facing, whether it's at work or at home. So when we come back, I'm going to give you three tips that you can start today to really be thoughtful about being a great asker. We'll be right back. So now the tips. I just love everything about this episode, so I hope you're excited, as I am, all right.

Speaker 1:

So the first tip is when you practice a question, practice silence. When you're done, especially in a high-stake situation, we tend to just kind of travel on, we say something and we keep talking. When you know the questions you're going to ask, and even if you come up with them in your mind, how do you make yourself ask the question and stop and pause? It is so powerful, it's so important because then you can really gauge what the other person's going to say. Because when you don't stop, what you're doing is you're probably diluting your question a bit. You're anticipating, maybe what they're going to say, or you maybe feel like it's too strong. Let's stop, because you want to understand their reaction to that question. So practice silence after any question that you're going to ask and a bonus tip for this one when you're asked a question, practice silence after it. Now, that's really hard because you're thinking about the question, you want to be responsive, you want to answer right away, but when you practice silence they may slip and give you a little bit more. So practice silence at the end of your question and before you answer a question, alright.

Speaker 1:

So the second tip is to make it a regular practice to have three questions ready for any high-stake situation and don't forget, a high-stake situation is any really high-risk negotiation. It could be a difficult conversation with somebody that you love, or it could be a difficult conversation with somebody that you don't trust, and it's anything that makes you feel a little bit triggered, and the reason I highlight that is because we will often want to get in and out of those conversations. So making it a regular practice to think of three questions slows you down, it gets you to think about if you have to get three questions even if you don't ask them. It opens up your mind to be curious about what you might want to know about that other person, and then it also, without you even realizing it, will help you shift into what's important to the other person, and so you will choose some words or you'll frame the ask in a way that's more suitable to the way they're thinking, because you have anticipated some things that you would be curious about knowing. So, making a best practice about always having three questions it will allow you to also shift into understanding that questions are important to ask. And when you start practicing that in the moment, it'll give you access to that part of your brain that will think of the questions that you need to ask next, so that you'll start getting better at having that muscle around asking questions. And I'll tell you this does work, because, as a coach, it's taken me some time to get really good at asking questions. It is something that and now people tell me man, you're so good the questions you ask really make a huge impact in a conversation. So the more you practice this art of the question, it will make you better. So, have three questions in any conversation you're going into. All right, well, welcome back. We're going to jump right in Seeing no around you, watching others say it and also watching others move through it.

Speaker 1:

It's such an interesting thing to have this awareness around it and even going in a conversation when you're listening, in listening for that no or when somebody should have said no and didn't. And it reminds me I remember just, even in social circles, I never like to let people down and we have a social group of women that we get together with and I remember they were going to have a road trip and I don't really love road trips, but when anybody asks me to do something, I normally just say yeah, man, because I don't want to be left out. And I remember my friend, regina, in the same situation, was like not my thing, but thanks for inviting me, and it was like, oh my gosh, that was a no and it was. I didn't feel badly about it that she did, and what happened was in that moment I didn't do the same thing. And then I had to live through like they're trying to put together the dates and all these stuff that I was involved in and Regina had fallen off because she was clear about her no, and nobody felt bad about that. So, having that awareness, that was such an awakening for me to watch that, to be thoughtful about. I see that in use and that was really well done. And you can learn so much, you can create your own tips by just being aware of hearing that, watching it and seeing how other people say no or move through no.

Speaker 1:

All right, the section that is so important as an executive coach, I always and you've heard me say this if you've ever been here before is that you have to put in practice the things that you learn. So this segment is about how do you stop, start and continue? What are you going to do with this information that I've shared with you today? And I'm going to play along. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. So the first one is what are you going to stop doing?

Speaker 1:

And I started thinking about what do I do when I want to go into a negotiation, and sometimes, when I know my three points, I want to go from one to the other, and what I'm going to stop doing is doing that. I think I'm going to go in, understand what my points are, but instead of feeling like because I think I do it out of being afraid I'll forget, so instead of going in and saying, here's what I want to cover, here's the points that I want to make today, I'm going to say this is the point I'm going to make and let me ask a question right after that. So I'm going to stop going right into my points and break that habit. I'm going to start really planning out my questions every time I go into a situation when I thought about that and doing three. It made me really realize that that is powerful and I think that the three brings you a little bit more into their space. So I'm going to start doing that.

Speaker 1:

I think making that a regular practice. It won't take long. It'll just be a few seconds before I go into a conversation, but I'm going to start, I'll put it on my planner and before I go into the conversation I will say what are the three questions Does? That's what I'm going to do and then what I'm going to continue doing. I have learned to be a good questioner and I'm going to really embrace that and continue just to know that the questions I ask impact positively the other person because I make them think. So what are you going to stop, start and continue?

Speaker 1:

As it relates to asking, maybe you want to even just pay attention to how many questions you're asking, how well you're listening and when people ask questions of you, take note of how that feels to you. What does that kind of move in you when people ask good questions? It makes you feel cared for when, because people are curious to know more about what's going on in here. So pay attention to now that you can't unsee the power of the art of asking questions. I know this was helpful for you. I'm so glad that you made the choice to be here. If you want to learn anything else about me, feel free to head over to negotiationlovecom. You can learn everything you need to know right there. And remember negotiation is more than a skill, it's a mindset. Until next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders With Loverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday Minute. It's an easy read where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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